a month in...

Well I've been here in Philly for a month. Things have gone so much better than I thought they would. I'm not sure thats saying a whole lot... as the move approached I found myself being more and more of a pessimist, even in the midst of all sorts of provisions that should have reassured me that things would be just fine. Maybe all those provisions are a post for another time... or better yet if anyone is wondering about them let me know and I'll email or call you.

It's starting to sink in that I actually live here now. I got my first parking ticket the first weekend I was here... an appropriate welcome. Went to a Phillies game. I'm learning to enjoy hockey... I'm already rockin the playoff beard so I at least look like a local. I've been going to work for three weeks. Getting up each morning, heading out the door to wait on the bus. It actually feels a little like Im in elementary school again. I have my token... which reminds me of milk money... I wait for the crossing guard to wave me across the street (there's actually a middle school right where I wait on the bus... and an elementary school down the way)... then I get on the bus, usually to stand awkwardly with my butt or crotch (depending on if I like them... Montevallo caf goers should remember that game) all up in someone's grill. Sometimes on a good day I get a seat, and someone else's butt or crotch in my grill. I actually saw a girl on a bike get hit by a car whilst waiting for the bus. The crossing guard had just taken a break because she was tired or something. Good thing no one was hurt, she'd be on permanent break then.

I always enjoy the walk from wherever the bus drops me off to work. The first few weeks I got off at a different street every day because I didn't quite get how the request stop stuff worked, and I got confused as to which street I was supposed to get off on. Sometimes I get off on the wrong one just so I can enjoy the fact that I work in Center City. Its pretty amazing to me. I used to watch movies and see characters walking down crowded city streets, in the shadows of huge buildings as they went to their jobs and fancied myself as such a character. Even though I always imagined that I'd take a shot at it eventually I always thought my chances were pretty slim. I remember walking to work my first day and telling myself, "Slow down and enjoy this.. you worked your ass off to get here so don't let it just pass." So I did slow down. I actually stopped and looked around a little. It was pretty surreal for me. And Im thankful to have the shot.

Since then though doubt again has crept in and I've been dominated by it. Work got tough real fast. I've started to doubt myself and have made a lot of stupid mistakes. But some days are good and I feel like I actually have done something worth looking at. Im looking forward to more of those days.

I should be moving into my apartment in the next couple of weeks. I posted some pics here. Its a big place and I don't have much stuff. All of my stuff actually fits into a 5 X 10 X 8 storage unit, and so I guess if I wanted to I could stack it all up in the corner of one room and have a skating party once I move in. Im looking forward to having an office / music room. I guess I should say that Im looking forward to having hobbies again and it will be nice to have a room in which to engage in those hobbies. In Birmingham all my free time either went to overcommitments or trying to making better work so I could get a better job. Now hopefully that I'll be doing better work as a job I can spend my free time on music / learning non work computer stuff and just hacking around in general.

Last night after dinner with the Twilleys and some of their friends I was being asked some kind of get to know you questions which I actually kind of enjoyed... mostly about my family and where they were. "All in Alabama," I said. Then I was asked if it was a big deal that I left. I've wondered about that. I suppose to me it is... or maybe it will be. I told my old boss in Birmingham that the one question that haunted me was "Could I cut it anywhere but here?" Its a big deal for me to find the answer to that. The strange thing is I really don't care what the answer is... either I can or I can't and I'm fine with either, its just the not knowing that drove me crazy. I'm far less scared of failure than of never having taken the chance.

Well as usual, I've rambled on incoherently... hope if anyone's been wanting me to blog enjoyed it.

Last Birmingham Blog

I should be leaving within the next hour or so. I've been told by several friends that I'd better blog more often so I figured I'd best go on and start.

I honestly haven't had the down time I'd liked to have had to sit down and write and process all thats been going on in my head with this move but to try to sum it all up, I basically go back and fourth thinking this is the best thing I'll ever do, and this is the worst mistake I've ever made. And that cycle happens about every 90 seconds or so. Right now the "worst mistake" side is tending to win... but I believe the closer I get to my new home the "best thing" side will gain its lost ground.

Its been hard saying goodbye to people. The community group was tough for me. So many people who I respect so much and have grown close to over the past few years, so many people who've known me for so long that it scares me to think of how old I'll be when I'll know folks in Philadelphia that long. The SouthTown guys were great at our goodbye... I'll miss them more than they'll realize. No more J. Clyde... that just sucks.

I really love it here... I've never said any different. Sometimes I wonder if I've let a bad job situation run me out of my home. But I don't give a lot of credit to that thought. Sometimes you just have to take a shot at something different. I've said several times that if I never go whatever work I do in Birmingham I'll resent it, because I'm comparing it to some ideal that I've concocted in my head. Maybe that ideal is real somewhere, but if I never look I guess I'll never know. The ground is hard in Birmingham for the work that I've found myself in, and its broken my back. Maybe there's softer, more manageable ground north of here.

Leaving is harder than I expected; much harder. I'll miss my friends and family here. So for all the friends I had to say goodbye to and those that I didn't get the chance to, I love you guys and look forward to seeing you all again soon.

Airport blogger** revised **

** whilst in the airport I originally posted this via my iPhone. I've gone back and added links as well as cleaned up some typos.


Well, I've been up since 3am. I've be been in ATL (which everyone knows how much I enjoy) for about 8 hrs due to all the rough weather in Philly. Normally I think I'd be pissed, but its been pretty fun actually. I met an awesome older guy, Joe Vitali. Probably in his 70s or 80s as best I could tell. We probably spent 3 or 4 hours chatting. I listened as he told me about growing up in Philly in an Italian neighborhood where his dad owned a grocery store.

"We were all Italian; the whole neighborhood. There was one Irishman though. And when the Americans started moving in my dad told me to go down to Acme Grocery and get some american bread for them to buy." He told me all about his kids, all 9 of them. His boy thats in the Marines. The other son thats a movie star... "He knows martial arts... Revenge of the Ninja is his (Keith Vitali) most famous. He's been in some with that Jakie what's his name too. And on Oprah talking about bullies. Just fished a book too. Its bound so beautifully, he talks about being on Oprah in there too."

He told me about his mom thats 108. And how she and his dad were married in '22 and how he died in '04. "88 years if my math is right."

And then he told me about his own wife of 58 years, and that she'd passed away just 2 weeks ago. Thats why I'm here you know. My five kids in Columbia are renovating my house. When I get back it'll be a new place. I think that'll help."

I hope it does, but I have my doubts. He teared up as he talked about her. The he handed me a piece of paper. "I don't even know why Im showing you this, my son wrote it." it was the eulogy that was read at his wires funeral,you could tell he was planning onkeeping it. It was beautifully written and I almost joined in Joe Vitali's tears.

"What a life, I tell ya! Boy I got a great family, I brag on 'em too much. You should see my granddaughter, she plays on one of those traveling soccer teams... what do you call 'em?? Well anyway, she doesn't just play in South Carolina, but in North Carolina, Tennessee, all over. I'm really gonna enjoy seeing her play."

It was amazing to meet Joe and it was his company that made this a good day.

"Hey sweetheart," Joe says to his sister over the cell phone I'd been helping him learn to use. "Oh nothing much just sitting here with my friend Jason Harmon. We've been passing the time together. He's visiting Philly. "

He smiled at me as he hung up.

News

So... I decided a few months ago to start applying for jobs all over the place to see what would happen. I applied for jobs in Atlanta, L.A., Santa Monica, Chicago and New York. I even applied for one in Kansas City. I got good responses from a good number of the companies; even felt about 90% sure that I'd be moving to Santa Monica. But that fell through. About a week after that I made up my mind; if I haven't gotten a job offer by the time my lease runs out, July 1st, I'm going to up and move somewhere.

I've always wanted to live in NYC so I figured I'd move that direction first and if nothing turned up, then I'd move west. Also since last summer when Gene and Laura moved to Philadelphia they've told me that if I ever want to move up that way, I could stay with them till I got on my feet. So I called Gene and talked about this idea I had of moving to New England and trying to find work in NYC. He and Laura graciously told me I could stay with them while I tried my hand in the New York market.

Well, a couple days after that I found two job postings for a motion design house in Philadelphia. I applied. Within 3o minutes of applying I got a response email. About a week after that email I had a phone interview. About 2 hours after that phone interview I had a plane ticket. So now in about 4 days I'll be flying up to talk with Blue to see if they think I can cut it in the city of brotherly love. I hope I can. Here's a little of what I've been up to since becoming a blog-recluse. Hopefully a website will be coming soon as well.




Jason Harmon Demo v 2.0 from Jason Harmon on Vimeo.

This American Blog

"I saw that movie, and it changed my life," she said. But she didn't say it jokingly which would have been fitting for the conversation. She said it sincerely, quite matter-of-factly actually. "For the first time, I felt understood. Like there were other people like me in the world. There were these weird people who liked all these weird things, and that was the first time I knew I wasn't the only person like that."

I knew exactly where she was coming from. About a month ago I had a similar kind of experience, it wasn't a first... just the first in a while... oddly enough she was there for it.

We were sitting out in front of the bar we all go to on Thursdays. This particular Thursday there were five of us tops. Conversation came quickly and I sat and listened to her give a defense for idealism, "Martin Luther King Jr. was an idealist, he changed things." And as the conversation moved to lighter things, we all considered the question, "Could any bands of our generation have the kind of longevity as the Beatles, or Zeppelin?" "Maybe Nirvana," she says. The conversation meanders on, hitting on this and that, never really settling anywhere for too long. In conversations like that, thoughts move quickly. They're fluid. And as all these thoughts flowed from my mind out into the conversation where they were either met as friend or foe by other former thoughts, there was one that stayed firmly fixed, "I feel understood. I'm not the only person like this." Time and again the things she said, were the exact same things that I was about to say... I wasn't alone in my thoughts, and that was refreshing.

Loneliness sucks... that is in fact a true statement. Its biblical... "It's not good for man to be alone." People in college ministries have a lot of fun with that. Really "witty" guys ask out girls during meetings and quote that scripture. Everyone laughs and thinks that guy is so clever. But they laugh because the heart of that statement, and even the sentiment of that spiritual Casanova on stage hamming it up for a date, resonates with them... It is indeed not good to be alone. That truth is embedded in our hearts, like it or not. We feel the weight of it without thinking about it. But its deeper than just asking girls out, or being asked out right? Sure there's got to be truth in that statement on some romantic, marriage kind of level, but even more simple than that, just on a social level, emotionally platonic, feeling like you're alone in the world sucks.

Well of course that's nothing new, but lately I've been noticing a something else. In those rare occasions when your loneliness is challenged, when you're met with the possibility that there are others like you, something interesting seems to happen; something wonderful. Hope springs. But that's not all that happens, at least not in my experience. That hope that wells up, well, it's not alone.... it seems to consistently be accompanied by disappointment and sometimes even pain.


Today, I'm blatantly ripping off This American Life, a radio show that I'm a huge fan of, so our theme today: Hope and Disappointment. Where there is hope, will disappointment naturally follow? If so why is that? Where does hope come from in the first place, and what causes disappointment? As is typical, I'll be bringing you a couple of stories related to this theme. Act 1 - "The keys of Point Breeze," a story of a recent conversation I had with a good friend of mine who has just moved to Philadelphia. Act 2 - "Dude, where's my church??" The story (hopefully abbreviated) of my experience of being drawn in to the church that I'm currently a member of, and how in the two years that I've been there so much of what drew me in seems to have gotten lost, though I hope I that's not the case.

A disclaimer about both of these stories... they involve other people. I am by no means trying to speak for them or tell their stories for them (though I hope to be accurate in my accounts of what people say)... Im just attempting to recount my experiences of conversations / events, and by doing so explore this idea of hope and disappointment.

The stories are long so I'll do multiple posts.... and I actually will post all of them.

Hope its worth your time.

Well... I thought there would be lots to come from Philly, and there may still be a few posts that find their way on here, but I just haven't really been in the mood to write lately.

I've been thinking a lot about what's true. What is true about people, what defines that truth, how it's recognized. I've felt recently that my affections / loyalties are being fought for. Sometimes the persuasions are subtle, analogies that vilify, stories that are weighted. Other times they are more overt... "we can do this and that when you move here." Others still are trickier, gifts from employers received the very day I was thinking of applying elsewhere. Compliments from co-workers, just minutes after conversations about how frustrating a project has been.

I'm seeing that I too am fighting this fight for loyalty as well. "You should check out this show, you'll love it." "This guy is awesome, you should listen to him." When I find something I like, I push it on folks. I wonder how that makes people feel. I'm tired of feeling pushed and pulled. I don't want to be the one pushing. There must be sincerity in it though. These friends care for me and want to protect me. These like having me around. I get so much enjoyment out of something that I don't want friends to miss out on it.

But there's something awful about it too. Its manipulative and it's wearing me out. Conversations become encoded messages and I leave probably decoding them wrongly, but either way tired from trying. Gifts for jobs well done come across as bribes. And I wonder where the truth lies.

I can't help but wonder if it isn't just better to let people find their own way, or is lack of involvement worse? I want to arrive at my own conclusions, to make my own discoveries, at the same time though, I wonder if no one was there beside me in the midst of it, if I'd just end up feeling worse. It's hard to let others find their own way. Trying to control things, or manipulating people, is easier than seeing them make mistakes or possibly being faced with mistakes of your own. What if one person's conclusions stand in opposition to your own... no one wants to be faced with the possibility that their conclusions weren't right.... myself included that's why I'm so tired of thinking about all of this. What if I've been wrong? Wrong about people, friends, all of it. There is a distinct possibility that I'm just flat wrong. And what's worse, I have no idea how to tell.

I can't say that I'm all that close with my family, but earlier today, for the first time, I wondered if the reason why is because they understand what Im talking about right now. They let me find my own way. I appreciate that, though I think this is the first time I've seen it that way. In the past I've interpreted it as them not caring enough to be involved, but I think I've been wrong about that too.

lots to come from Philly...

For a long time now I've only used this blog to post stupid videos, video's I'd been working on, or pretty much mindless strings of words that flowed out of boredom or frustration. Recently I've been thinking a lot, and I've had a lot of time to do it. I'm going to attempt, as several fellow bloggers and blog heroes / friends of mine have done before, to use a personal experience as a format to get out what's been brewing inside. In my case a recent trip to Philadelphia.

As anyone who has ever had more than a 3 minute conversation with me well knows, I have a hard time staying on topic. I'm in no way a linear guy; just don't think that way. I'm scattered. I start a sentence, only get out half the word, think of a better way to phrase the thought that my mind has already left in search of the follow up only to begin the sentence over three times before getting it out. And by the time it's finally out I'm busy chasing the rabbit that ran across some other synapses in my mind and I forget the original point that I was getting at. (the fact that I do this is not a recent discovery to me but rather a very well known and sometimes frustrating quirk) But usually somewhere along the rabbit trail, something I think of reminds me of my original thought and I'm back to square one....

All that to say... bear with me because I'm not going to tell this story in order... if indeed I tell it at all. I'm going to try and share, with all who care to read, my observations and the subsequent rabbit trails I find myself on during my time in Philadelphia (which was only a few days). I hope that makes some kind of sense... but true to form here's a better way of saying all that. I'm not going to give you the play by play of my time there because that wouldn't be any fun, but rather I hope to share what I experienced by being there. I'm so looking forward to writing about it all, and taking a little closer look at myself through it. I've avoided writing anything remotely personal on here for roughly a year now. I suppose a little self-disclosure is due.