I've been thinking a lot about what's true. What is true about people, what defines that truth, how it's recognized. I've felt recently that my affections / loyalties are being fought for. Sometimes the persuasions are subtle, analogies that vilify, stories that are weighted. Other times they are more overt... "we can do this and that when you move here." Others still are trickier, gifts from employers received the very day I was thinking of applying elsewhere. Compliments from co-workers, just minutes after conversations about how frustrating a project has been.
I'm seeing that I too am fighting this fight for loyalty as well. "You should check out this show, you'll love it." "This guy is awesome, you should listen to him." When I find something I like, I push it on folks. I wonder how that makes people feel. I'm tired of feeling pushed and pulled. I don't want to be the one pushing. There must be sincerity in it though. These friends care for me and want to protect me. These like having me around. I get so much enjoyment out of something that I don't want friends to miss out on it.
But there's something awful about it too. Its manipulative and it's wearing me out. Conversations become encoded messages and I leave probably decoding them wrongly, but either way tired from trying. Gifts for jobs well done come across as bribes. And I wonder where the truth lies.
I can't help but wonder if it isn't just better to let people find their own way, or is lack of involvement worse? I want to arrive at my own conclusions, to make my own discoveries, at the same time though, I wonder if no one was there beside me in the midst of it, if I'd just end up feeling worse. It's hard to let others find their own way. Trying to control things, or manipulating people, is easier than seeing them make mistakes or possibly being faced with mistakes of your own. What if one person's conclusions stand in opposition to your own... no one wants to be faced with the possibility that their conclusions weren't right.... myself included that's why I'm so tired of thinking about all of this. What if I've been wrong? Wrong about people, friends, all of it. There is a distinct possibility that I'm just flat wrong. And what's worse, I have no idea how to tell.
I can't say that I'm all that close with my family, but earlier today, for the first time, I wondered if the reason why is because they understand what Im talking about right now. They let me find my own way. I appreciate that, though I think this is the first time I've seen it that way. In the past I've interpreted it as them not caring enough to be involved, but I think I've been wrong about that too.
