This American Blog

"I saw that movie, and it changed my life," she said. But she didn't say it jokingly which would have been fitting for the conversation. She said it sincerely, quite matter-of-factly actually. "For the first time, I felt understood. Like there were other people like me in the world. There were these weird people who liked all these weird things, and that was the first time I knew I wasn't the only person like that."

I knew exactly where she was coming from. About a month ago I had a similar kind of experience, it wasn't a first... just the first in a while... oddly enough she was there for it.

We were sitting out in front of the bar we all go to on Thursdays. This particular Thursday there were five of us tops. Conversation came quickly and I sat and listened to her give a defense for idealism, "Martin Luther King Jr. was an idealist, he changed things." And as the conversation moved to lighter things, we all considered the question, "Could any bands of our generation have the kind of longevity as the Beatles, or Zeppelin?" "Maybe Nirvana," she says. The conversation meanders on, hitting on this and that, never really settling anywhere for too long. In conversations like that, thoughts move quickly. They're fluid. And as all these thoughts flowed from my mind out into the conversation where they were either met as friend or foe by other former thoughts, there was one that stayed firmly fixed, "I feel understood. I'm not the only person like this." Time and again the things she said, were the exact same things that I was about to say... I wasn't alone in my thoughts, and that was refreshing.

Loneliness sucks... that is in fact a true statement. Its biblical... "It's not good for man to be alone." People in college ministries have a lot of fun with that. Really "witty" guys ask out girls during meetings and quote that scripture. Everyone laughs and thinks that guy is so clever. But they laugh because the heart of that statement, and even the sentiment of that spiritual Casanova on stage hamming it up for a date, resonates with them... It is indeed not good to be alone. That truth is embedded in our hearts, like it or not. We feel the weight of it without thinking about it. But its deeper than just asking girls out, or being asked out right? Sure there's got to be truth in that statement on some romantic, marriage kind of level, but even more simple than that, just on a social level, emotionally platonic, feeling like you're alone in the world sucks.

Well of course that's nothing new, but lately I've been noticing a something else. In those rare occasions when your loneliness is challenged, when you're met with the possibility that there are others like you, something interesting seems to happen; something wonderful. Hope springs. But that's not all that happens, at least not in my experience. That hope that wells up, well, it's not alone.... it seems to consistently be accompanied by disappointment and sometimes even pain.


Today, I'm blatantly ripping off This American Life, a radio show that I'm a huge fan of, so our theme today: Hope and Disappointment. Where there is hope, will disappointment naturally follow? If so why is that? Where does hope come from in the first place, and what causes disappointment? As is typical, I'll be bringing you a couple of stories related to this theme. Act 1 - "The keys of Point Breeze," a story of a recent conversation I had with a good friend of mine who has just moved to Philadelphia. Act 2 - "Dude, where's my church??" The story (hopefully abbreviated) of my experience of being drawn in to the church that I'm currently a member of, and how in the two years that I've been there so much of what drew me in seems to have gotten lost, though I hope I that's not the case.

A disclaimer about both of these stories... they involve other people. I am by no means trying to speak for them or tell their stories for them (though I hope to be accurate in my accounts of what people say)... Im just attempting to recount my experiences of conversations / events, and by doing so explore this idea of hope and disappointment.

The stories are long so I'll do multiple posts.... and I actually will post all of them.

Hope its worth your time.

Well... I thought there would be lots to come from Philly, and there may still be a few posts that find their way on here, but I just haven't really been in the mood to write lately.

I've been thinking a lot about what's true. What is true about people, what defines that truth, how it's recognized. I've felt recently that my affections / loyalties are being fought for. Sometimes the persuasions are subtle, analogies that vilify, stories that are weighted. Other times they are more overt... "we can do this and that when you move here." Others still are trickier, gifts from employers received the very day I was thinking of applying elsewhere. Compliments from co-workers, just minutes after conversations about how frustrating a project has been.

I'm seeing that I too am fighting this fight for loyalty as well. "You should check out this show, you'll love it." "This guy is awesome, you should listen to him." When I find something I like, I push it on folks. I wonder how that makes people feel. I'm tired of feeling pushed and pulled. I don't want to be the one pushing. There must be sincerity in it though. These friends care for me and want to protect me. These like having me around. I get so much enjoyment out of something that I don't want friends to miss out on it.

But there's something awful about it too. Its manipulative and it's wearing me out. Conversations become encoded messages and I leave probably decoding them wrongly, but either way tired from trying. Gifts for jobs well done come across as bribes. And I wonder where the truth lies.

I can't help but wonder if it isn't just better to let people find their own way, or is lack of involvement worse? I want to arrive at my own conclusions, to make my own discoveries, at the same time though, I wonder if no one was there beside me in the midst of it, if I'd just end up feeling worse. It's hard to let others find their own way. Trying to control things, or manipulating people, is easier than seeing them make mistakes or possibly being faced with mistakes of your own. What if one person's conclusions stand in opposition to your own... no one wants to be faced with the possibility that their conclusions weren't right.... myself included that's why I'm so tired of thinking about all of this. What if I've been wrong? Wrong about people, friends, all of it. There is a distinct possibility that I'm just flat wrong. And what's worse, I have no idea how to tell.

I can't say that I'm all that close with my family, but earlier today, for the first time, I wondered if the reason why is because they understand what Im talking about right now. They let me find my own way. I appreciate that, though I think this is the first time I've seen it that way. In the past I've interpreted it as them not caring enough to be involved, but I think I've been wrong about that too.

lots to come from Philly...

For a long time now I've only used this blog to post stupid videos, video's I'd been working on, or pretty much mindless strings of words that flowed out of boredom or frustration. Recently I've been thinking a lot, and I've had a lot of time to do it. I'm going to attempt, as several fellow bloggers and blog heroes / friends of mine have done before, to use a personal experience as a format to get out what's been brewing inside. In my case a recent trip to Philadelphia.

As anyone who has ever had more than a 3 minute conversation with me well knows, I have a hard time staying on topic. I'm in no way a linear guy; just don't think that way. I'm scattered. I start a sentence, only get out half the word, think of a better way to phrase the thought that my mind has already left in search of the follow up only to begin the sentence over three times before getting it out. And by the time it's finally out I'm busy chasing the rabbit that ran across some other synapses in my mind and I forget the original point that I was getting at. (the fact that I do this is not a recent discovery to me but rather a very well known and sometimes frustrating quirk) But usually somewhere along the rabbit trail, something I think of reminds me of my original thought and I'm back to square one....

All that to say... bear with me because I'm not going to tell this story in order... if indeed I tell it at all. I'm going to try and share, with all who care to read, my observations and the subsequent rabbit trails I find myself on during my time in Philadelphia (which was only a few days). I hope that makes some kind of sense... but true to form here's a better way of saying all that. I'm not going to give you the play by play of my time there because that wouldn't be any fun, but rather I hope to share what I experienced by being there. I'm so looking forward to writing about it all, and taking a little closer look at myself through it. I've avoided writing anything remotely personal on here for roughly a year now. I suppose a little self-disclosure is due.

put on you diapers...

cause this junk is funny.

last one I'll post...

I wasn't going to post it at all actually, but Ginny asked about the next installment... so look out internets... hope you can handle the traffic.



Its still not perfect... but the tracks are a lot more solid and the shots are way more complex. Maybe the folks at the festival will like it and you'll see a real deal version on tv this summer.

check it...again

I added a new shot... the second one (it took forever because of all the camera motion) and color corrected all of it.
Some of the tracks are still off, so if I get some time I may work on those a bit more too.

Thanks for all the comments so far.

little something I've been working on....

more to come in the way of writing later. but here's a work in progress that I'm working on for a few commercials....
its a big pic, click on if you want to see the detail.

absolutely beautiful....

http://www.onesize.nl/project.php?id=33

this is absolutely amazing. Its an experimental piece by one of my new favorite motion design houses. these guys are from the Netherlands too... which makes them double cool

SKYDIVE FACE SUKKA...

this is where I still live...

if I had a digital camera (other than the dandy one on my phone) I'd take a picture of my cheap one bedroom apartment and post it right on here so everyone could see it... but i don't because, as the would be picture of my apartment could show, I'm cheap but I digress.
Today after returning from work, at a reasonable hour for the first time in a while I might add, my land lord walked up to me and asked me if I was planning on renewing my lease. I'd been thinking about it for a while. The question of leaving is one that I tend to keep close. A lot of my friends are moving or have already moved. Others have interviews all over the place, or at least have interviews at different places here in town. But for me this spring doesn't seem to hold much in the way of big change. I moved last year, and shortly after changed jobs. Granted that move was only a few blocks and the change in jobs was fairly similar, but it felt like a lot. It seems like I can't go a single week without someone asking me when I'm going to leave Birmingham. I guess that's a hole I dug for myself. I talk about leaving, I really like the thought of it too, and I think I will someday, but I'm not so sure that day will be this year.
For the first time in 7 or 8 years (since my junior year of high school) I'll be living in the same place for more than 11 months in a row. I couldn't be happier about it. I get tired of it here, my job gets frustrating, I get lonely, I get mad at my church, basically I get bored, but I just don't feel like I've walked far enough down this road to get off of it yet.

I've got some more things to write about but seeing as how this is my first real post in several months, I guess I should ease back into it. So, taking note from my friend Su, I'll stop short and hopefully post again soon.

and people think graffiti writers are stupid...

i tend to disagree.

i don't know how old i am...

in recent conversations, about 3 or 4 of them actually, the topic of my age has arisen. each time when asked the question, "how old are you anyway?" i confidently answer 24... apparently that answer suits me since i've been giving it for the past 16 months. a little while ago while talking about a possible laptop purchase, i say, "if i get it, it better last me till i die." my friend responds in an imitation old man voice, "i've had this laptop since i was 25 years old." "silly girl..." I think to myself, "i'm only 24." then i say, "but i'm only 24" and she laughs, knowing the truth because our birthdays are in fact only a few days apart, and then informs me that i am 25. i realize that on my birthday this reality should have sunk in... but i was busy and for whatever reason it just didn't take. i feel like a different person now... i seem to have lost a year, that scares me.

so to all the people that i've recently had conversations with about feeling like an old 24 year old... there is more truth to that statement than i thought. i should work less.


(on a side note i think i remember writing something a few months ago on here about thinking like a normal 25 year old or something, so i suppose there are times when i realize my own age, but sadly those times are counteracted by months of obliviousness)

another update...

over the past week I've become aware, once again, of how fortunate I am to have the friends that I do. life's been a bit of a bummer for me lately. when Im in a funk like that, its a sho-nuff funk, and I tend to stay there feeling sorry for myself for a while. but the past week in particular my friends have been a great help in the unfunking process, and Im really thankful for that. one of the most exciting parts about it for me though is that in addition to my tried and true group of buddies, some of the unfunkers haven't been the usual suspects. one guy in particular, a 60-year-old co-worker, has been a great surprise. also old friends have entered again and I remember why I love them. it seems that just when I have decided that Ive been forgotten, Im shown that Im remembered. thats comforting.

on a side note for anyone who hasn't seen me in the last month... Im rockin a beard now.

till next month...

whats been happnin...

lotsa work is whats been happnin. thats why I haven't written in forever. i used to write in my down time at work, subsequently when there's no down time there's no writing. but... due to the fact that my office has now moved, and the internet service that we had at our old office, which is completely paid for by my boss, would not transfer from our old location to the new one, but would however transfer to my apartment, I can blog from the comfort of my own home, and all for free... at least free to me. other than work being crazy, the rest of my life feels crazy too. i think for the most part i bring it on myself. i sometimes wonder if i'll ever have the thought processes of a normal 25 year old human. i tend to stress myself out about everything, be over analytical, and not too much fun to be around... well i am those things at least in situations/contexts that i feel are serious or where a lot is at stake or that are just really important to me. that kind of sucks because then the things that are the most important or the closest to me cause me the most distress and i have the hardest time enjoying the things / people that i want to enjoy the most. as far as i can remember i've always been that way. recently though, i'm starting to see this as a fault, and wondering how to deal with it. maybe dr. phill has a website that i can check, again from the comfort of my own home, and without the judgmental glances of coworkers.

here's a video david showed me...

Stop Motion Battle