While in Atlanta I exist as a commuter. I have to drive to eat, to get back to the hotel to sleep, and then also to work after I wake up. I also have to drive 2 and a half ours to get there. I have to say though, after finding my way around the city, even weaving my way through the traffic of Atlanta's interstates on the way to the suburbs to visit a friend, I felt quite pleased with my 3 day stint as a commuter. I guess traveling gives people the feeling that they have accomplished something. I felt that way. I'd coverd a great distance, knowingly gone into unfamiliar territory just because, and somehow pieced together mental maps of the path that led me there. Taking roads that looked interesting half in hope that they will intersect with Northside Dr. or NW Merritta St. that would lead back to the familiar, and half in hope that they would take me somewhere better. Its good to find your way in and out of unfamiliar spaces.
In Birmingham, Im a pedestrain and there's something very comforting about that. Making my way up 29th, my very own personal hwy 75, then to 10th Ave south, the 285 bypass. And occasionally I'll take 28th, the unfamiliar back road in my block and a half commute, half in hopes of it being a more pleasant commute home, half in hopes that I'll find some place better to go.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Victories and Defeats...Atlanta round 2
Well, Im in Atlanta again. Seems that the only time I have things to say on here is when Im away from home. Well I was all excited about coming out here this time because I was going to get to go see my favorite band Coheed & Cambria, on Halloween night (or All Saints Eve for all my fellow Reformers) at the Tabernacle...an old church turned to happenin music venue. Well...thanks to ticketmaster I didn't get that chance. Tickets were $20. No problem, well worth the money. BUT ticketmaster wanted to tack on an extra $15 for "convienence"...f-that. Thats what I said. "I'll just get a ticket at the door," I think. "Surely they won't sell out," I think. Wrong on both accounts...defeat.
Oh well. It would have been a great show, but Im really not all that mad about it. I found the place no problem...thats a victory. I drove around downtown ATL...which is pretty cool actually...victory. And since I couldn't go to the best show of the year, I decided to passify myself with IKEA.
I successfully navigated my way from downtown to the store...no mapquest at that, and I found my way in...VICTORY. I called a few friends just to warn them that the next time that they would see me I would be so much cooler than them because I was going to buy some rugs and sheets that best defined me as a person. Well I wandered the 15 acres of Sweedish stylistic bliss and made some thrifty, yet fun, selections...victory..eventhough it sounds gay.
I got in line to pay. Then got out of line when I saw the large "As Is" room...the IKEA thrift store! I strolled it for a second then got back in the same line. Upon opening my wallet to pay for my selections, it hit me. I remembered taking out my credit card, debit card, and most of my cash and hiding it amongst my socks and underwear in the hotel...defeat. I was planning on a great night of Progressive Rock in a sketchy part of town, and possibly being mugged. I however had not planned on living the fashion concious consumer dream at IKEA. Oh well, since I didn't have all that much anyway I removed one item and payed with the cash that was intended for a ticket, parking, and perhaps a t-shirt to always remember the great Haloween prog-rock concert, that I didn't get to go to....defeat.
Oh well. It would have been a great show, but Im really not all that mad about it. I found the place no problem...thats a victory. I drove around downtown ATL...which is pretty cool actually...victory. And since I couldn't go to the best show of the year, I decided to passify myself with IKEA.
I successfully navigated my way from downtown to the store...no mapquest at that, and I found my way in...VICTORY. I called a few friends just to warn them that the next time that they would see me I would be so much cooler than them because I was going to buy some rugs and sheets that best defined me as a person. Well I wandered the 15 acres of Sweedish stylistic bliss and made some thrifty, yet fun, selections...victory..eventhough it sounds gay.
I got in line to pay. Then got out of line when I saw the large "As Is" room...the IKEA thrift store! I strolled it for a second then got back in the same line. Upon opening my wallet to pay for my selections, it hit me. I remembered taking out my credit card, debit card, and most of my cash and hiding it amongst my socks and underwear in the hotel...defeat. I was planning on a great night of Progressive Rock in a sketchy part of town, and possibly being mugged. I however had not planned on living the fashion concious consumer dream at IKEA. Oh well, since I didn't have all that much anyway I removed one item and payed with the cash that was intended for a ticket, parking, and perhaps a t-shirt to always remember the great Haloween prog-rock concert, that I didn't get to go to....defeat.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Further lessons from Atlanta
Well, admitedly I was kinda pissed when I wrote that last post. If one must know I spent quite some time trying to navigate the streets of ATL in attempts to reach the mecca of design and fashion known simply as IKEA. 15 acres of cheap stuff you can buy to make you cooler than all your less trendy friends who have still not heard of this wonderous place. Almost needless to say, but I'll say it anyway, I never arrived at the blue and yellow gates. I could see it but couldn't get to it becuase it was just recently built and North West Atlanta's vascular system of interstates, highways, and lesser traveled capillary roads, have yet find an adequate way of delivering blood to its newest and most popular organ.
I was angry because I could see it but not find my way to it, so I just went back to the hotel after stopping by Arby's to get a roast beef combo. As much as I hate to admit it, I really wanted to be an IKEA shopper. I was most disappointed to not have the chance pick up new rugs, bedding, and other small trinkets that "would best define me as a person" (*Fight Club)
So I couldn't be cool. I was kinda upset because I don't like seeing that consumer mindset at work in myself, but I did. And I'd worked with agency people all day. I don't like agency people. They have no clue what they are doing and really are just wasting time and money. These guys however were also gay, some of them at least. Im growing to hate the way I act around agency people. I don't treat them with any kind of love. Im really easily irritated by them actually. I fear that these guys just perceived that as homophobia. Thats not the case, I just don't like most of my clients, gay or straight. I'll need to make a better effort to treat them with love, and dignity.
Anyway, all of the above contributed to my anger toward Atlanta. I think some of what I said is true but there are good people there too, and I got to hang out with at least some of them later in my short stay in Peach Tree central.
I was angry because I could see it but not find my way to it, so I just went back to the hotel after stopping by Arby's to get a roast beef combo. As much as I hate to admit it, I really wanted to be an IKEA shopper. I was most disappointed to not have the chance pick up new rugs, bedding, and other small trinkets that "would best define me as a person" (*Fight Club)
So I couldn't be cool. I was kinda upset because I don't like seeing that consumer mindset at work in myself, but I did. And I'd worked with agency people all day. I don't like agency people. They have no clue what they are doing and really are just wasting time and money. These guys however were also gay, some of them at least. Im growing to hate the way I act around agency people. I don't treat them with any kind of love. Im really easily irritated by them actually. I fear that these guys just perceived that as homophobia. Thats not the case, I just don't like most of my clients, gay or straight. I'll need to make a better effort to treat them with love, and dignity.
Anyway, all of the above contributed to my anger toward Atlanta. I think some of what I said is true but there are good people there too, and I got to hang out with at least some of them later in my short stay in Peach Tree central.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Atlanta
I think that Atlanta was formed by people who were kicked out of real cities because they were too narrow, or arrogant. I guess they all drove down here in their hummers with a chip on their shoulder because they couldn't cut it and thats why they don't use turn signals. Atlanta is a city built from tv. Ted Turner owns it...TBS, CNN, tv made ATL. And people here have watched too many tv shows set in New York, or Boston. They seem to think that Atlanta is the New York of the south. But it lacks all the things that make great city great, while managing to hold in tact all the things that make the south so hard to bear.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
change
Last thursday fall came to birmingham. That is the exact prhase that came to my head and was echoed and therefore confirmed by several friends. I love fall. I wish it had stayed in birmingham longer than a day...but I know it will return soon. There seems to be a certain attitude present in people during seasonal changes. I can't help but think that its because somewhere deep down in all of us we are hardwired to desire change. I started reading another Don Miller book. He puts is so much better than I ever would. He says that change seems to be Gods way. We change from boys, to men, students to workers. Change is good and the seasons remind us of that. Weather we realize it or not, they are telling us to change with them. I think that accounts for the special energy in people now. I want to change, to be in motion, to really live, not just exist.
"We are shaped by our experiences. Our perception of joy, fear, pain, and beauty are sharpened or dulled by the way we rub against time."- Don Miller
I feel Ive not rubbed time the right way for much of my life. Its times like these that make me want to get out and sharpen my senses with today.
"We are shaped by our experiences. Our perception of joy, fear, pain, and beauty are sharpened or dulled by the way we rub against time."- Don Miller
I feel Ive not rubbed time the right way for much of my life. Its times like these that make me want to get out and sharpen my senses with today.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Its been a while...
Haven't really wanted to write much as of late. I don't feel that its because my mind isn't active. I think it could be the opposite.
I went to Montevallo this weekend to visit Jeff. Montevallo on Saturday afternoon makes me miss Matt, Stephen, and Allen. I have to say some of my favorite times at Montevallo was in the presense of those guys. I also have to say that all of my favorite times were by no means limited to hanging out with them.
Jeff and I went up to visit Patrick. Walking up the middle stair well in Fuller always brings a flood of memories. I remember making the decision to move there based soely on the fact that I didn't know and Christians living there. I remember hanging out with Heather there, how fun it was for a time, then how quickly it all turned sour. Its funny that I can never put my finger on how or why. I remember playing intramurals, and my knees hurting so bad I could barely make it up or down those same stiars. I remember the week I called stuff with Micah off.
I think my favorite times in Fuller though were when Stephen, Allen and I had just got done doing the TV show, and it was quiet, and it was just me and that gigantic loft that the largest man I know had built so many years ago. I remember feeling like I had accomplished somehting. Part of it was shallow. Most of it was deeper. I miss being in school. I honestly considered starting back as I was leaving. I have a bad habit of casting rather forgiving lights on my past though. I think Mark Twain said, "its all together human to make a habit of remembering things that didn't happen." Im not sure if I do that...maybe, but I know I have a romantic view of the things that did.
Anyway, in short, I want the people that I loved so much in Montevallo to still be around, haning out with me in my dorm room and in the caf. Watching me do a not so stellar job playing ultimate frisbee. Telling me that the art I was making was good, or at least had potential. I want to see the art that they're making. I want to make them laugh, and hear about the shit that they take from the other people around them.
I guess that wasn't as short of a thought as I hoped I could make it. Oh well.
I went to Montevallo this weekend to visit Jeff. Montevallo on Saturday afternoon makes me miss Matt, Stephen, and Allen. I have to say some of my favorite times at Montevallo was in the presense of those guys. I also have to say that all of my favorite times were by no means limited to hanging out with them.
Jeff and I went up to visit Patrick. Walking up the middle stair well in Fuller always brings a flood of memories. I remember making the decision to move there based soely on the fact that I didn't know and Christians living there. I remember hanging out with Heather there, how fun it was for a time, then how quickly it all turned sour. Its funny that I can never put my finger on how or why. I remember playing intramurals, and my knees hurting so bad I could barely make it up or down those same stiars. I remember the week I called stuff with Micah off.
I think my favorite times in Fuller though were when Stephen, Allen and I had just got done doing the TV show, and it was quiet, and it was just me and that gigantic loft that the largest man I know had built so many years ago. I remember feeling like I had accomplished somehting. Part of it was shallow. Most of it was deeper. I miss being in school. I honestly considered starting back as I was leaving. I have a bad habit of casting rather forgiving lights on my past though. I think Mark Twain said, "its all together human to make a habit of remembering things that didn't happen." Im not sure if I do that...maybe, but I know I have a romantic view of the things that did.
Anyway, in short, I want the people that I loved so much in Montevallo to still be around, haning out with me in my dorm room and in the caf. Watching me do a not so stellar job playing ultimate frisbee. Telling me that the art I was making was good, or at least had potential. I want to see the art that they're making. I want to make them laugh, and hear about the shit that they take from the other people around them.
I guess that wasn't as short of a thought as I hoped I could make it. Oh well.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
How the heck shall we live???
I haven't written in a while, I guess because I haven't had a lot to talk about other than how my UAB dynasty is going in NCAA football.
Recently though, God's been getting the wheels in my head to start turning again. Ive been thinking a lot about how a Christian should live in the real world. I think Ive been kind of branded with ideologies about how Christians should live on a college campus, and by "how a Christian should live" I basically mean how to live an effective life as a believer. Some of what I learned Im just starting to see can carry over, the priciples anyway, the methods look a lot different. I guess the biggest thing Im seeing is that communities need Christians to be involved with them, and Christians necessarily must be plugged into a community to be effective. Nothing really earth shattering there. In college that principle was there but the community was built for you, it was kind of mindless. There are leaders organizing meetings and junk like that to foster a since of community...Then from that people begin to care about each other and then they voluntarily spend time with each other and community flourishes. I forget quickly that for the first two and a half or three years that I really didn't feel much of a sense of community at Montevallo, but the last year it was there, and the year I was there after I graduated it was there, but it didn't happen overnight it took people investing a lot of time into it.
So now the dilemma is how do I invest that kind of time in community here in Birmingham when I really don't know anyone, and there are no leaders organizing meetings so we can all meet each other. And furthermore, few people care about building community, though at a heart level they want it. I really don't have answers to this yet, and a lot of time that frustrates me. But today I got an email from a friend in Brazil who is in the same boat trying to figure out how to live as a working young adult with the mind set to invest your life. Here is a little bit of what he wrote...
"Furthermore, I have been working a lot too. It's good to work!
And I'm trying to start up a futsal (soccer) group, to play once a week. I hope this will be a good opportunity to bring people close to Christ. You know, we can involve new contacts with us, spend time together, build a spiritual friendship... or not.. maybe we will just play futsal. But you may pray for this greater purpose. God is opening some doors..."
its so good to see other people struggling to figure out what it means to give their life away to the people around them. Its more of a struggle to learn this than I thought it would be. I thought I learned it in college, maybe I did, and now I just have to figure out how to translate it, because the language of college and the language of the real world are so different. Who knows. But the struggle is good, and its been so good for me to be involved in the struggle and its encouraging to hear other people struggling too. And who knows, maybe Emerson will get to share Christ with the guys playing futsal, maybe he won't, like he said...maybe they'll just play futsal, but at any rate they will know that Emerson cares about them and they will experience a little taste of community. To me efforts like Emerson's are exactly what Christians are called to do, and the success of the efforts isn't even the important part...its the struggle.
Recently though, God's been getting the wheels in my head to start turning again. Ive been thinking a lot about how a Christian should live in the real world. I think Ive been kind of branded with ideologies about how Christians should live on a college campus, and by "how a Christian should live" I basically mean how to live an effective life as a believer. Some of what I learned Im just starting to see can carry over, the priciples anyway, the methods look a lot different. I guess the biggest thing Im seeing is that communities need Christians to be involved with them, and Christians necessarily must be plugged into a community to be effective. Nothing really earth shattering there. In college that principle was there but the community was built for you, it was kind of mindless. There are leaders organizing meetings and junk like that to foster a since of community...Then from that people begin to care about each other and then they voluntarily spend time with each other and community flourishes. I forget quickly that for the first two and a half or three years that I really didn't feel much of a sense of community at Montevallo, but the last year it was there, and the year I was there after I graduated it was there, but it didn't happen overnight it took people investing a lot of time into it.
So now the dilemma is how do I invest that kind of time in community here in Birmingham when I really don't know anyone, and there are no leaders organizing meetings so we can all meet each other. And furthermore, few people care about building community, though at a heart level they want it. I really don't have answers to this yet, and a lot of time that frustrates me. But today I got an email from a friend in Brazil who is in the same boat trying to figure out how to live as a working young adult with the mind set to invest your life. Here is a little bit of what he wrote...
"Furthermore, I have been working a lot too. It's good to work!
And I'm trying to start up a futsal (soccer) group, to play once a week. I hope this will be a good opportunity to bring people close to Christ. You know, we can involve new contacts with us, spend time together, build a spiritual friendship... or not.. maybe we will just play futsal. But you may pray for this greater purpose. God is opening some doors..."
its so good to see other people struggling to figure out what it means to give their life away to the people around them. Its more of a struggle to learn this than I thought it would be. I thought I learned it in college, maybe I did, and now I just have to figure out how to translate it, because the language of college and the language of the real world are so different. Who knows. But the struggle is good, and its been so good for me to be involved in the struggle and its encouraging to hear other people struggling too. And who knows, maybe Emerson will get to share Christ with the guys playing futsal, maybe he won't, like he said...maybe they'll just play futsal, but at any rate they will know that Emerson cares about them and they will experience a little taste of community. To me efforts like Emerson's are exactly what Christians are called to do, and the success of the efforts isn't even the important part...its the struggle.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Holding down the fort.
Well this morning a bunch of my friends left for Thailand. Saturday a bunch more will be leaving for beach project. This will be the first summer in four years that I wasn't either at beach project or overseas. I can help but wish I were going somewhere. I mostly just want to go back to Brazil or have one more summer at beach project. I think Ive changed a lot even just since last summer and I think Id enjoy the environment a lot more this year. Last year I think I went down there with something to prove and it kind of ruined a good part of my summer. I guess though I'll always look back over years past and say to myself, "I wish I knew then what I know now." I think most people do that. Guess I should just realize that Im always going to be changing and from tomorrows perspective I will have never known enough for today, but in the here and now I know that Im doing just fine. All in all I still wish I were on an air plane or on the road to the beach rather than sitting at work playing online games....but hey, if Im going to work, online games aren't all that bad.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Packing My Bags, and Sobering Up
Well, I'm moving again. Nothing new really. I've done it once a year for the past 5 years. This time I have a whole week with no real responsibilities except for work to get all of my packing, thinking, and waltzing down memory lane done.
I guess because I don't have all the responsibilities of being in school and being an RA I can actually filter through all the stuff that I've accumulated over my college years. Its kind of funny how I've carried all of it from place to place while moving but never really unpacked it. The stuff stays packed away neatly in the same boxes just waiting for the next move. Well this time I decided to try to sort out the good stuff from the useless stuff that just adds weight to boxes that are already about to break.
Last night it was almost overwhelming looking at these various items, maps of Vancouver, Brazilian change (coins), Waffle House parafanailia, old journals, notes from philosophy or Art history classes. All these strange items that hold absolutely no value to anyone but me. I sat there in my floor, and on the corner of my bed as the stories and the memories of people and places that validate my preservation of these artifacts swirled around me and one by one filled my head, and worked on down into my chest. The time that I was granted in college has been no doubt the best time of my life. It was fun to sit there and read old journals where I was writing as if I had it all figured out...When I was a sophomore. Then to read entries from my junior and senior year that tell of my realization that I don't know anything, only to see that a few pages later I had it together again. At one point I laughed out loud because in one particular entry I seemed like I was getting it. I seemed like I was having a glimpse of clarity. There was zeal in my writing, there was purpose to what I was saying, and there was truth sprinkled thought my sentences....Then I turn the page and I never wrote in that notebook again. I guess I've always been inconsistent, probably always will be.
It was funny to me also to see the things I wrote about various girls I liked throughout college. I actually found a set of notes that I had come up with that I used in talking to the last girl that I "dated" (I was so against that term then that I didn't use such dreadful language, but that's what we did...We dated) about why we shouldn't move toward dating but rather just be friends and go on dates. I was actually surprised by the thought I put into it all, but still see that I was pretty uptight. Its funny to see things that I had done that I forgot I had done. Like writing letters to this girl because I felt like I couldn't tell her my feelings so I'd write them down, date them, and give them to her later, so she could see how long I'd been feeling this way. Its especially funny to see those things after you can't remember that you did them, and beyond that haven't seen the girl they are about in more than 3 years. Its also kind of sobering to see that I wanted to do the same thing not too long ago, but for whatever reason didn't....Guess I am growing up.
I guess because I don't have all the responsibilities of being in school and being an RA I can actually filter through all the stuff that I've accumulated over my college years. Its kind of funny how I've carried all of it from place to place while moving but never really unpacked it. The stuff stays packed away neatly in the same boxes just waiting for the next move. Well this time I decided to try to sort out the good stuff from the useless stuff that just adds weight to boxes that are already about to break.
Last night it was almost overwhelming looking at these various items, maps of Vancouver, Brazilian change (coins), Waffle House parafanailia, old journals, notes from philosophy or Art history classes. All these strange items that hold absolutely no value to anyone but me. I sat there in my floor, and on the corner of my bed as the stories and the memories of people and places that validate my preservation of these artifacts swirled around me and one by one filled my head, and worked on down into my chest. The time that I was granted in college has been no doubt the best time of my life. It was fun to sit there and read old journals where I was writing as if I had it all figured out...When I was a sophomore. Then to read entries from my junior and senior year that tell of my realization that I don't know anything, only to see that a few pages later I had it together again. At one point I laughed out loud because in one particular entry I seemed like I was getting it. I seemed like I was having a glimpse of clarity. There was zeal in my writing, there was purpose to what I was saying, and there was truth sprinkled thought my sentences....Then I turn the page and I never wrote in that notebook again. I guess I've always been inconsistent, probably always will be.
It was funny to me also to see the things I wrote about various girls I liked throughout college. I actually found a set of notes that I had come up with that I used in talking to the last girl that I "dated" (I was so against that term then that I didn't use such dreadful language, but that's what we did...We dated) about why we shouldn't move toward dating but rather just be friends and go on dates. I was actually surprised by the thought I put into it all, but still see that I was pretty uptight. Its funny to see things that I had done that I forgot I had done. Like writing letters to this girl because I felt like I couldn't tell her my feelings so I'd write them down, date them, and give them to her later, so she could see how long I'd been feeling this way. Its especially funny to see those things after you can't remember that you did them, and beyond that haven't seen the girl they are about in more than 3 years. Its also kind of sobering to see that I wanted to do the same thing not too long ago, but for whatever reason didn't....Guess I am growing up.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Being the Means...
Im a pretty haughty person most of the time. Thats not a good thing. A lot of the time I think my haughtyness is grounded in right thinking, but the fact that Im haughty at all, is eveidence of a seperate but equal degree of wrong thinking.
Ive been seeing lately that I complain a lot. I see things that I think are wrong with something, typically a specific ministry that I've been involved in or the chuch I go to or Chrisitan culture in general, and I critisize. I tear down. I despise. And then I go on about my business. Ive seen my complaining avail absolutly nothing of worth. At first I thought my complaints were helping other people see the same faults that I have seen...and I still believe that these faults are legitimate...and learn to think rightly about them. Sadly that has not been the case. All my complaining has accomplished is multiplying itself in people around me. Now I see other people saying the same things that I said a year ago, or a month ago and upon hearing it from someone else I see how unbecoming it is. I see how unattractive I must have been. Its not becoming of anyone to have that much annimosity in them, especially when believers are to be a people marked by love and acceptance.
Ive met some new people this week. They are all believers and they are nice enough, but they live and believe a little diffently than I do. They wear Christian T-Shirts and go to worship rallies. I tend to think that people like that are what is wrong with Christianity and of course I am all that is right with it. Im such an arrogant ass so much of the time. So after hanging out with them I left feeling like I would probably not spend much time with them agian.
Its begining to hurt me that I don't accept others who accept Christ. I have far more disputes with other Christians than I do with non-Christians and thats sad. Im unwilling to give any grace to other believers but give it freely to those who don't believe. What did Paul say....I think it was something to the effect of "let us not grow weary in doing good, especially to those who are of the household of faith."
I probably cannont count the number of times I either started or participated in a converstaion "discussing problems" in the church, chrisitan culture, or various ministries, that have been nothing more than self-righteouss, self-justifying attempts to tear down anyone who things differenly than I do. But I honestly can't remember the last time I had an honest conversation about the goodness of Christ or the wealth of love that God has shown to His people.
All this to say, recently Ive been terribly convicted about my critical heart. Honestly its the only thing that Ive seen multiplied in the people around me for some time now. And Im growing to despise that fact.
A while back I was debating, still am, moving overseas. I emailed a friend who is already there with some honest questions. He is working with the same ministry there that I have been involved with here. The same one that I complain about. After complaining to him, and expressing concern with working with the staff here, I asked him if it was any different there. Here is what he told me.
"True, WHO you work with is about as important as what you do, but this is also dependent on your openness and humility to both be a means of grace to others in sanctification and acceptance of others as being a means of grace in sanctification in YOUR life, independent of who they may be. It is a question of community, and how you are seeing yourself. Because if you cannot accept the differences of others, then you cannot encourage them toward love and good deeds. This means that including their sin, your desire is for them and yourself to be reconciled and find the gospel in the issue."
I rarely ever do that, and Im seeing how negativly that effects the people around me. Im always looking to the people around me to be a means of grace in my life. I want to learn from people, I want to be around people that have it right so I can pull from their experiences. But when it comes to me being a means of grace to anyone who doesn't fit into my mold of what a believer should be, I write them off and by doing so nullify the opportunity to help them. All because I'd rather complain about them not understanding the great truths that I understand. When infact I understand nothing at all. When I don't extend grace to people, when I dont accept them right along with their differences of opinion on spiritual things, I take away any chance of making a difference to that person. Being judgemental toward people, specifically other believers, will never accomplish any good. At best I will have no effect on them, and typically I will do a lot of damage to the Body, and greive the Spirit.
Ive been seeing lately that I complain a lot. I see things that I think are wrong with something, typically a specific ministry that I've been involved in or the chuch I go to or Chrisitan culture in general, and I critisize. I tear down. I despise. And then I go on about my business. Ive seen my complaining avail absolutly nothing of worth. At first I thought my complaints were helping other people see the same faults that I have seen...and I still believe that these faults are legitimate...and learn to think rightly about them. Sadly that has not been the case. All my complaining has accomplished is multiplying itself in people around me. Now I see other people saying the same things that I said a year ago, or a month ago and upon hearing it from someone else I see how unbecoming it is. I see how unattractive I must have been. Its not becoming of anyone to have that much annimosity in them, especially when believers are to be a people marked by love and acceptance.
Ive met some new people this week. They are all believers and they are nice enough, but they live and believe a little diffently than I do. They wear Christian T-Shirts and go to worship rallies. I tend to think that people like that are what is wrong with Christianity and of course I am all that is right with it. Im such an arrogant ass so much of the time. So after hanging out with them I left feeling like I would probably not spend much time with them agian.
Its begining to hurt me that I don't accept others who accept Christ. I have far more disputes with other Christians than I do with non-Christians and thats sad. Im unwilling to give any grace to other believers but give it freely to those who don't believe. What did Paul say....I think it was something to the effect of "let us not grow weary in doing good, especially to those who are of the household of faith."
I probably cannont count the number of times I either started or participated in a converstaion "discussing problems" in the church, chrisitan culture, or various ministries, that have been nothing more than self-righteouss, self-justifying attempts to tear down anyone who things differenly than I do. But I honestly can't remember the last time I had an honest conversation about the goodness of Christ or the wealth of love that God has shown to His people.
All this to say, recently Ive been terribly convicted about my critical heart. Honestly its the only thing that Ive seen multiplied in the people around me for some time now. And Im growing to despise that fact.
A while back I was debating, still am, moving overseas. I emailed a friend who is already there with some honest questions. He is working with the same ministry there that I have been involved with here. The same one that I complain about. After complaining to him, and expressing concern with working with the staff here, I asked him if it was any different there. Here is what he told me.
"True, WHO you work with is about as important as what you do, but this is also dependent on your openness and humility to both be a means of grace to others in sanctification and acceptance of others as being a means of grace in sanctification in YOUR life, independent of who they may be. It is a question of community, and how you are seeing yourself. Because if you cannot accept the differences of others, then you cannot encourage them toward love and good deeds. This means that including their sin, your desire is for them and yourself to be reconciled and find the gospel in the issue."
I rarely ever do that, and Im seeing how negativly that effects the people around me. Im always looking to the people around me to be a means of grace in my life. I want to learn from people, I want to be around people that have it right so I can pull from their experiences. But when it comes to me being a means of grace to anyone who doesn't fit into my mold of what a believer should be, I write them off and by doing so nullify the opportunity to help them. All because I'd rather complain about them not understanding the great truths that I understand. When infact I understand nothing at all. When I don't extend grace to people, when I dont accept them right along with their differences of opinion on spiritual things, I take away any chance of making a difference to that person. Being judgemental toward people, specifically other believers, will never accomplish any good. At best I will have no effect on them, and typically I will do a lot of damage to the Body, and greive the Spirit.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Culture of heaven
Friday night I went to this called Art on the Rocks. I was all pumped about going a while back. That was also when I thought that I had a date to go with, and perhaps it would have been more enjoyable with a cute, cool girl, but I kind of doubt it. Too many people with their heads up their asses to be fun. Anyway aside from a lot of people that I could have done without being around there was a great singer songwriter playing. Griffin House; I saw him a while back at another show in birmingham and he is really the only reason that I went to this thing anyway. It was worth going to to hear him again, but unfortunatly I think my two friends Allen, David, and I were the only people there actually listening to him. Anyway long story short it was an altogether unenjoyable experience barring the great music and two good friends that went with me in lue of my being shat upon and not having a date.
Saturday I went to a wedding. Some friends of mine were playing the music. These guys are incredible one plays piano like no ones business, the other is a great guitar player and has a voice that I would kill to have. The other guy I don't know well at all but he plays upright bass and was taught by Edgar Myer. Needless to say it sounded great. They played a Myer piece called sliding down that almost made me cry. I sat there and thought, "man these guys are so much better than anything I heard last night...and its free and not so many snobby people." I also couldn't help but think what heaven will be like. I believe that it's going to be very much like the world we live in today in that people will have stuff to do, jobs and whatnot. Talents and skills and all that too. I think that we'll live in cities and get from place to place. And the great part will be that there's no sin and everything will be done in perfect harmony with God. No broken relationship with Him perfect communion forever. I sat there in that church where I saw as clearly as ever a picture of Christ and the church in the wedding cerimony and listened to three guys my own age play some of the sweetest music I'd ever heard and all I could think of is what the culture of heaven will be like. Like I said I believe that time will look much like it does now, people doing stuff and all that jobs and whatnot, but I also tend to think that there will be art to be made, and music to be played, and that there will be cultural events theatre and the like in heaven. There's going to be culture and what a culture it will be. People from all tribes toungues and nations all enjoying the gifts that eachother have, all with no envy, no hate, no competition, and all in perfect communion with God. The culture of heaven. My heart aches to be there. Sadly its only when I stop to think of it that I feel this way. Ordinarily I just pasify myself with video games, the internet, playing guitar, or wishing my life were different. Its such a waste honestly. Eternal life starts with Christ and for me as a believer thats already started.
I suppose its my job as a believer to begin to bring that heavenly culture to rest here on earth. Isn't that how Jesus taught his disciples to pray, ""Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven" Heaven is set as the model. That model or that ideal is to be brought to earth. Thats what scripture teaches, Im just slow to learn. All this time Ive been wondering what the culture of heave will be like and the answer was right there sitting in that church listening to those guys play. They played well, they played with no competition amongst eachother. They played not for themselves to be seen, but for the people to enjoy and though they might not have known it they played that Christ might be seen, heard, felt, and experienced in the music they made. That's the culture of heaven...at least some of it. And my heart aches for it.
Saturday I went to a wedding. Some friends of mine were playing the music. These guys are incredible one plays piano like no ones business, the other is a great guitar player and has a voice that I would kill to have. The other guy I don't know well at all but he plays upright bass and was taught by Edgar Myer. Needless to say it sounded great. They played a Myer piece called sliding down that almost made me cry. I sat there and thought, "man these guys are so much better than anything I heard last night...and its free and not so many snobby people." I also couldn't help but think what heaven will be like. I believe that it's going to be very much like the world we live in today in that people will have stuff to do, jobs and whatnot. Talents and skills and all that too. I think that we'll live in cities and get from place to place. And the great part will be that there's no sin and everything will be done in perfect harmony with God. No broken relationship with Him perfect communion forever. I sat there in that church where I saw as clearly as ever a picture of Christ and the church in the wedding cerimony and listened to three guys my own age play some of the sweetest music I'd ever heard and all I could think of is what the culture of heaven will be like. Like I said I believe that time will look much like it does now, people doing stuff and all that jobs and whatnot, but I also tend to think that there will be art to be made, and music to be played, and that there will be cultural events theatre and the like in heaven. There's going to be culture and what a culture it will be. People from all tribes toungues and nations all enjoying the gifts that eachother have, all with no envy, no hate, no competition, and all in perfect communion with God. The culture of heaven. My heart aches to be there. Sadly its only when I stop to think of it that I feel this way. Ordinarily I just pasify myself with video games, the internet, playing guitar, or wishing my life were different. Its such a waste honestly. Eternal life starts with Christ and for me as a believer thats already started.
I suppose its my job as a believer to begin to bring that heavenly culture to rest here on earth. Isn't that how Jesus taught his disciples to pray, ""Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven" Heaven is set as the model. That model or that ideal is to be brought to earth. Thats what scripture teaches, Im just slow to learn. All this time Ive been wondering what the culture of heave will be like and the answer was right there sitting in that church listening to those guys play. They played well, they played with no competition amongst eachother. They played not for themselves to be seen, but for the people to enjoy and though they might not have known it they played that Christ might be seen, heard, felt, and experienced in the music they made. That's the culture of heaven...at least some of it. And my heart aches for it.
Weddings change everything
I was at a wedding this weekend. Weddings are becoming a lot more meaningful to me these days. I dont think its because I feel alone a lot. I don't even remember wishing I had a girlfriend or anything at this wedding. Actually I even remember thinking that it was a good thing that I didn't because I think that what God has been showing me about relationships and what Ive been learning from friends who are already married has sobered to the fact that marriage isn't like I see on tv. I was talking to a friend who is going to Thailand this summer about it all and I told him that when he goes he will be floored by the fact that the Thai people will think that his life is like Will's on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air or like some other tv show that they have seen or a movie. I told him that that's how it was to some degree in Brasil. That people associated what they saw in the movies and on tv with what american life is actually like. I think thats how I think about marriage a lot. I think I really romanticise it and probably just have a screwy view in general about it. But like I said I think Im being sobered to that fact and because of all that sobering at this wedding I was glad that it wasn't me saying the I do's and all that.
Its kind of strange to me that in the course of 15 minutes or however long a wedding cerimony actually lasts that pepole's lives can change so much. Not just on paper or legally which is kind of funny too, but spiritually and everything. It really is a great mystery. At one point these two people are seperate, then they are one. At one point it is a sin and dishonoring to God if they have sex, then the next minute its glorifying. Its so strange that so much can change in that short of a time. I was talking to that same friend about what actually is going on at a wedding. And what we came up with is that these two people gathered together as many people as they thought were important and said before God and them that they pleged to love no other person but the one that is all dressed up there holding thier hands. And thats about it. Its a covenant, its a promise, and that is what changes everything. Everything changes just because a promise is made and it is witnessed. Its so abstract to me. I guess thats good though, abstract things are more fun to try to wrap you head around anyway.
Its kind of strange to me that in the course of 15 minutes or however long a wedding cerimony actually lasts that pepole's lives can change so much. Not just on paper or legally which is kind of funny too, but spiritually and everything. It really is a great mystery. At one point these two people are seperate, then they are one. At one point it is a sin and dishonoring to God if they have sex, then the next minute its glorifying. Its so strange that so much can change in that short of a time. I was talking to that same friend about what actually is going on at a wedding. And what we came up with is that these two people gathered together as many people as they thought were important and said before God and them that they pleged to love no other person but the one that is all dressed up there holding thier hands. And thats about it. Its a covenant, its a promise, and that is what changes everything. Everything changes just because a promise is made and it is witnessed. Its so abstract to me. I guess thats good though, abstract things are more fun to try to wrap you head around anyway.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
More theories on Biblical love
Guess its been on my mind a lot recently. Its been on my mind for the last year or so but I guess its just even more now because of situations from last week and the fact that all my friends have moved out of Montevallo for the summer and I have a lot of time to sit and stare at the walls and think. I was writing last time about not really knowing what to think about how I felt about, liked or whatever you call it, a girl that I'd been trying to go out with. I think through that situation God showed me more about the nature of love, regaurdless if I was experiencing it or not. I tend to think it was closer to love than I had been before because I found myself not focused on myself, but on her well being. In my last post I wrote about how I feel like I got pissed on a few times but just took it without really knowing until much later that there was piss on me. I wonder if real love just isn't aware of the piss or is fully aware of it and simply endures it because it's not in the other person's interest for you to tell them that they are pissing on you. Maybe its a combination. I still feel like it boils down to putting the other persons interest in front of your own. When stuff happened with Brandie I understood that I was getting my feelings hurt, but I choose to not worry about that because I would rather try to create the type of environment that I talked about earlier. The kind where she didn't feel the need to live up to unrealistic expectations or to perform.
In Ephsians, I'm pretty sure its there, Paul tells husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. I think that is the essece of what Christ does for the church. He took a lot, more than I could ever imagine, and Im not going to try to expound because I would at best be approaching irreverence of the subject of Christ's life and death and probably end up using language in comparing that would make His death appear less that the truth of what it was. But back to the point Christ's died to set His church free. Im reading a book by Steve Brown and he talks a lot about how when someone is free, that is exactly what they are FREE. They can do whatever the hell they want. Free. Its almost tough to swallow. Christ died, He loved His chuch so very much that He would become man, dwell with an "unbelieving generation", be mocked, falsely accused...the whole story. And for what? To create an environment where His Beloved no longer needs to perform, live up to expectation, bear a judgement for their wrong, or feel guilty for thier life. That's how Christ loved the church, He cared not for His own well being but rather for the assurance of creating an environment for His bride to know that she is loved.
I think Derek Webb has helped me see this too. Ive been listening to his new cd a lot. "What looks like failure is success, what looks like poverty is riches....what looks like weakness can do anything, what looks like foolishness is understanding." Things really are kind of upside down for the believer. Even love I guess. True love probably looks like a bad relationship at first....at least from one side or the other. But I think that where true love is then there will be a freedom, and where there is freedom I think that love will be returned. In that Steve Brown book there is an illustration about Abraham Lincoln and this slave girl that he bought. She was dejected because she thought to herself, "Here is another white man that will use me then discard me." But Abe told her that she was free. She asked, "Free to say whatever," he said, "Yes," She said "Free to go where ever?" He siad, "That's right" She started crying and said, "I think I'll go with you." The neat thing about that is that the one who is set free really has no concept of what freedom is, its the liberator who understands freedom and desires to give it to the slave because they understand how good it is. Thinking about that and my own relationship with Christ, I really have no clue what freedom is or how to experience it, but He does and He deeply desires to make it known to me. Thats why I want to go with Him. He wants to show me how to experience the goodness of living a free life and I guess part of that is teaching me how to love people.
I realize that in writing all this and knowing that its mostly coming because of experiences with a girl that it would be easy to think that Im all broken hearted and lovesick. That may be partly true, but only a very small part. I have no clue if Ive ever loved a girl, or for that matter if I presenly like any or if I care to at this point in my life. I do however see that regaurdless of dating relationships I am called to love everyone like Ive talked about. I of course know that if I ever do date anyone again and that leads to marriage that that will be deeper than a love for my co-workers and I think thats great, but it doesn't lessen the fact that love is what the believer is called to. I think slowly but surely God is showing me what love is, and hopefully Im seeing what love is not also. Its kind of a long road and Ive felt really lonely lately, but thats just me being stupid and pissing on the one who loves me enough to walk with me and talk to me about all this stuff and teach me how to enjoy what He has created for me.
In Ephsians, I'm pretty sure its there, Paul tells husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. I think that is the essece of what Christ does for the church. He took a lot, more than I could ever imagine, and Im not going to try to expound because I would at best be approaching irreverence of the subject of Christ's life and death and probably end up using language in comparing that would make His death appear less that the truth of what it was. But back to the point Christ's died to set His church free. Im reading a book by Steve Brown and he talks a lot about how when someone is free, that is exactly what they are FREE. They can do whatever the hell they want. Free. Its almost tough to swallow. Christ died, He loved His chuch so very much that He would become man, dwell with an "unbelieving generation", be mocked, falsely accused...the whole story. And for what? To create an environment where His Beloved no longer needs to perform, live up to expectation, bear a judgement for their wrong, or feel guilty for thier life. That's how Christ loved the church, He cared not for His own well being but rather for the assurance of creating an environment for His bride to know that she is loved.
I think Derek Webb has helped me see this too. Ive been listening to his new cd a lot. "What looks like failure is success, what looks like poverty is riches....what looks like weakness can do anything, what looks like foolishness is understanding." Things really are kind of upside down for the believer. Even love I guess. True love probably looks like a bad relationship at first....at least from one side or the other. But I think that where true love is then there will be a freedom, and where there is freedom I think that love will be returned. In that Steve Brown book there is an illustration about Abraham Lincoln and this slave girl that he bought. She was dejected because she thought to herself, "Here is another white man that will use me then discard me." But Abe told her that she was free. She asked, "Free to say whatever," he said, "Yes," She said "Free to go where ever?" He siad, "That's right" She started crying and said, "I think I'll go with you." The neat thing about that is that the one who is set free really has no concept of what freedom is, its the liberator who understands freedom and desires to give it to the slave because they understand how good it is. Thinking about that and my own relationship with Christ, I really have no clue what freedom is or how to experience it, but He does and He deeply desires to make it known to me. Thats why I want to go with Him. He wants to show me how to experience the goodness of living a free life and I guess part of that is teaching me how to love people.
I realize that in writing all this and knowing that its mostly coming because of experiences with a girl that it would be easy to think that Im all broken hearted and lovesick. That may be partly true, but only a very small part. I have no clue if Ive ever loved a girl, or for that matter if I presenly like any or if I care to at this point in my life. I do however see that regaurdless of dating relationships I am called to love everyone like Ive talked about. I of course know that if I ever do date anyone again and that leads to marriage that that will be deeper than a love for my co-workers and I think thats great, but it doesn't lessen the fact that love is what the believer is called to. I think slowly but surely God is showing me what love is, and hopefully Im seeing what love is not also. Its kind of a long road and Ive felt really lonely lately, but thats just me being stupid and pissing on the one who loves me enough to walk with me and talk to me about all this stuff and teach me how to enjoy what He has created for me.
Monday, May 09, 2005
One hell of a day
Well this past thursday was a doosey. The girl that I'd been trying to hang out with, like trying to find out if dating would be an option, she told me that it wasn't. Guess that takes the guss work out of it. It just stinks cause it took me so long to actually ask her out. Then for a long time I was real apprehensive about her, didn't want to open up because I knew that she and I are a lot different, and I did't really want to be too open and get hurt or have her open too wide and me hurt her either. Then things kept happening, stuff that would normally piss me off. Things like me going to visit her and her telling me when I got there that she had to finish a paper and couldn't really hang out long, or her telling me she would go places with me then having to cancel because of other stuff she fogot that she had to do. Well I just didn't get mad at those things, I was disappointed that things kept not working out. She didn't really make me mad, though I probably should have been. Some of my friends tell me should be mad now, but I still don't really think I am. I still don't know what that means. I heard some people talking about the nature of love and how one who is in love really isn't focused on their own feelings near as much as they are focused on the well being of the other person. I think I felt that way about her, Im not going to say it was love or that it is love, I just know that it was diffenrent that other girls I'd dated in the past. I didn't really care if I got my feelings hurt, I just wanted to create some kind of an environment for her where she knew that she was valued and where she could be herself without having to perform. And bottom line, I got pissed on a couple of times, and I didn't care because I cared more about her well being than my feelings. I guess that kinda sounds weak but I think its the right way to think about things. I knew that she wasn't meaning to do dumb stuff and hurt my feelings, at least I don't think she was, she said it wasn't her intention. I believed it wasn't before she said it so I guess I still believe it after our conversation. Basically she said that she felt bad because she couldn't give anything back to any kind of a relationship. I tend to think people do what they want to do and if she wanted to go out with me or spend time with me she would. But I didn't tell her that. Truth is Im still not mad at her. I like that she was as honest as she could be with me and she did the hard thing in talking about it. The part that sucks is that it kind of makes her more attractive. Like I said, I don't know if I love her or not or really for that matter how much I like her. Im forced now to deal with the question of wether I really like her, or I just like the idea of having someone. Im afraid it could be the latter. I hope not, mainly because I don't want to look like a jerk. Anyway it was a crappy conversation and since then Ive continually felt like Im being kicked in the gut. I just don't get it. Im actually really tired of the entire situation with girls and I wish I just didn't care at all, but I cant not care and that sucks too.
Sometime after that conversation I got a call from a good friend. He told me that his dad unexpectedly died. That kind of put stuff in perspective. Here I am toiling over a relationship that never got the chance to get off the ground and now looks like it never will and one of my best friends Dad dies. It made me think that every minute of everyday men's souls are hanging in the balance and Im so friggin stuck on myself that I never think about it. Im too busy playing Halo, worring about girls, or making stupid cadillac commercials to care. The whole situation made me think more about moving overseas, or going to seminary. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be happy untill I just man up and do one of those. I just keep thinking that if I don't at least give it a go the question will always haunt me. I tend to be haunted by questions with answers I'll never be able to get....and that sucks too.
Sometime after that conversation I got a call from a good friend. He told me that his dad unexpectedly died. That kind of put stuff in perspective. Here I am toiling over a relationship that never got the chance to get off the ground and now looks like it never will and one of my best friends Dad dies. It made me think that every minute of everyday men's souls are hanging in the balance and Im so friggin stuck on myself that I never think about it. Im too busy playing Halo, worring about girls, or making stupid cadillac commercials to care. The whole situation made me think more about moving overseas, or going to seminary. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be happy untill I just man up and do one of those. I just keep thinking that if I don't at least give it a go the question will always haunt me. I tend to be haunted by questions with answers I'll never be able to get....and that sucks too.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
San Fransico
The other day a good friend of mine told me to check into this church plant that is going to happen out in San Francisco. I was a little reluctant but she called me again and told me that she really thought that I would fit in well with the community of people that is going and that I thought a lot like the guy who is planting the church. So I checked out the site and tried to figure out what I thought about it.
Well I have to say that I was a little put off by what I saw on the site. I watched these videos from the guy that is planting the church. He talked a lot about consumerism and fast food stuff...the McDonaldization of our culture and all that kind of thing. (I think that's why my friend told me to check it out cause I get on my soap box about those very issuses) In one video the guy was at Q-Doba...a burrito place that is set up kind of like sub-way. You just tell them what you want they make it in front of you and it all happens really fast (that part is sadly unlike subway). Well, first off the video's seemed awkward to me, possibly because Im a video editor, but mainly because they just seemed very contrived, too well scripted or cliche, and overall just fake. But aside from my crtical kind of smart assish take on his video making skillz, I had major objection to his underlying message.
Basically, he is complaining about consumer clutter, i.e. advertizing and the mentality of immediate gratification. Complaining about those thing are healthy I think. But my issue is the fact that his solution is more of the same thing. He is saying that advertizing makes us want to be immediatly gratified and that is a bad thing and that religion...or spirituality doesn't work that way. He said far too many times that "You can't wrap your soul in a burrito." By saying this he is trying to communicate that consumer culture wont satisfy the longings of your soul. This is true. My problem is not with his assesment of the problem but with the solution he offers. The website is promoting a weekly meeting called the Gathering and subtitled a young adult community. Its a slick little website chocked full of videos and mp.3 downloads. In the time that I spent on there I saw links for people who were in college, who had graduated but were single, the people who were married, but only for young people. His solution to consumer and advertizing clutter is a church affinity group that is pre-packaged and slickly advertized, and beyond that its only accessable to young adults. Im sure, based on the assesments of friends who have heard this guy speak, that when the young people get there they hear some good things. But my hang up is that they are being fed more pre-packaged junk to get them there. They are told that "thier souls cannot be wrapped in a burrito" but they are closing their eyes and biting into a big ol' faith burrito that is taylor made for young people who dislike corperate america and the consumer culture that we've created. His whole approache it would seem to me is nothing more than a "sanctified" version of the problem that he is fighting. To me it seems ironic.
The other problem that I have is that its kind of inclusive. It doesn't seem friendly to the elderly, or the poor for that matter. Its seems so focused on the trendy people, the young, the hip, the anti-establishment types to be focused on the fact that a chuch is built from all types of people, and religion pure and untainted is caring for widows and orphans, or at least that is what James tells us. I don't feel that the answer to a culture that is too heavily saturated with mental garbage from corporations trying to compete for consumer loyalty is to follow the same method in planting a church or having a group like the gathering. The answer is feeding poor people, helping build communities where there are none, getting involved in social issuses, loving people without regaurd for what they can give to you. The answer is the gospel, and no it won't fit in a burrito, so why do we try? The gospel is fine on its own, it needs no package, no slick web site or video. Its powerful, and I just feel like too many people...myself included...are missing it.
Well I have to say that I was a little put off by what I saw on the site. I watched these videos from the guy that is planting the church. He talked a lot about consumerism and fast food stuff...the McDonaldization of our culture and all that kind of thing. (I think that's why my friend told me to check it out cause I get on my soap box about those very issuses) In one video the guy was at Q-Doba...a burrito place that is set up kind of like sub-way. You just tell them what you want they make it in front of you and it all happens really fast (that part is sadly unlike subway). Well, first off the video's seemed awkward to me, possibly because Im a video editor, but mainly because they just seemed very contrived, too well scripted or cliche, and overall just fake. But aside from my crtical kind of smart assish take on his video making skillz, I had major objection to his underlying message.
Basically, he is complaining about consumer clutter, i.e. advertizing and the mentality of immediate gratification. Complaining about those thing are healthy I think. But my issue is the fact that his solution is more of the same thing. He is saying that advertizing makes us want to be immediatly gratified and that is a bad thing and that religion...or spirituality doesn't work that way. He said far too many times that "You can't wrap your soul in a burrito." By saying this he is trying to communicate that consumer culture wont satisfy the longings of your soul. This is true. My problem is not with his assesment of the problem but with the solution he offers. The website is promoting a weekly meeting called the Gathering and subtitled a young adult community. Its a slick little website chocked full of videos and mp.3 downloads. In the time that I spent on there I saw links for people who were in college, who had graduated but were single, the people who were married, but only for young people. His solution to consumer and advertizing clutter is a church affinity group that is pre-packaged and slickly advertized, and beyond that its only accessable to young adults. Im sure, based on the assesments of friends who have heard this guy speak, that when the young people get there they hear some good things. But my hang up is that they are being fed more pre-packaged junk to get them there. They are told that "thier souls cannot be wrapped in a burrito" but they are closing their eyes and biting into a big ol' faith burrito that is taylor made for young people who dislike corperate america and the consumer culture that we've created. His whole approache it would seem to me is nothing more than a "sanctified" version of the problem that he is fighting. To me it seems ironic.
The other problem that I have is that its kind of inclusive. It doesn't seem friendly to the elderly, or the poor for that matter. Its seems so focused on the trendy people, the young, the hip, the anti-establishment types to be focused on the fact that a chuch is built from all types of people, and religion pure and untainted is caring for widows and orphans, or at least that is what James tells us. I don't feel that the answer to a culture that is too heavily saturated with mental garbage from corporations trying to compete for consumer loyalty is to follow the same method in planting a church or having a group like the gathering. The answer is feeding poor people, helping build communities where there are none, getting involved in social issuses, loving people without regaurd for what they can give to you. The answer is the gospel, and no it won't fit in a burrito, so why do we try? The gospel is fine on its own, it needs no package, no slick web site or video. Its powerful, and I just feel like too many people...myself included...are missing it.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
God gets a new voice....my nuts.
Wow talk about a big lunch break for me. I was on my way to meet with a guy that is helping me think though the way I'm wired up and how that applies to my calling, you know what type of job would suit my personality type and whatnot. Im an INFP by the way. Anywho I was out on 280 driving to meet the guy...by the way when the lost people of Birmingham end up in hell, there's a good chance they will be able to find their way around because Im sure its a lot like 280....back to the story, I was on my way to meet the guy and I saw a car that looked all to familiar trying to merge in front of me. It wasn't going quite fast enough for me to slow down and let it over so I passed it and it got behind me. About midway through my pass I recognized the car, the driver, and the all too familiar postition of the drivers hand holding a cell phone while driving. It was the last girl I dated. The very one that everyone thought I would end up marrying. The same one that I tend to wonder wether or not I missed my chance with. Well I saw her and my heart dropped. It dropped straight to my crotch, but not in a longing kind of sexual attraction heart in my crotch kind of feeling. It was more like my heart became a bowling ball and it was dropped on my crotch and I wanted to throw up because of it. Well I think she noticed me too, because I saw her arm go out her window and straight up in the air...I couldn't tell if it had an extended middle finger or not, but I sure saw it out the window of that familiar old Accord hatch back. I really dont think it did. In the confusion of the situation I actually missed the restraunt that I was going to and had to go ask directions to the place. One of the places I stopped to ask directions from was a Starbucks. Wouldn't you know it she was there too. I'm not sure if she saw me or not, or if she thought I was following her. I really wasn't. Oh well, strange, but I made it through it. She really is an amazing girl and honestly I'd be all too lucky if she was still in my life, but I was a jerk and couldn't handle her. Ive learned a lot since that time and God has had His hands full changing my heart. Now the same situations that caused me to break her heart really don't bother me all that much. It's not like I want to reconcile a relationship with her and go get married like everyone expected. Im actually not even interested in her. I think the reason my heart dropped and my stoamach hurt was first off, the simple shock of the situation, and second the harsh reminder that I have the capability of hurting someone as bad as I did her. Hopefully she is a better person than I am and she is able to forgive me.
Well I went to the place and talked to the guy about future and calling and all that stuff. It was one of the best conversations that Ive had in recent months with anyone. Im supposed to work through some more stuff and get back with him. Well during all of this time I noticed that there is a new Pope. I work with a catholic guy and I remember a conversation with him where he said that the Pope was the voice of God. I couldn't disagree more with him. I don't think the Pope has anymore authority than anyone else on what God has to say to us. God's Word...the Bible...and the Holy Spirit are the way He speaks today. He uses His body the church to encourage and instruct. And sometimes He uses big ol' men that like red meat...like the guy I met with today, and other times he uses old girlfriends in their familiar Honda's along with bowling ball hearts hitting you in the crotch to remind you of where you've come from. But to the catholics I suppose God aquired a new voice today, for me I got a kick in the nuts as a reminder of where Ive been and some great advice from just about the biggest man I know about where I could end up. All in all an eventful lunch.
Well I went to the place and talked to the guy about future and calling and all that stuff. It was one of the best conversations that Ive had in recent months with anyone. Im supposed to work through some more stuff and get back with him. Well during all of this time I noticed that there is a new Pope. I work with a catholic guy and I remember a conversation with him where he said that the Pope was the voice of God. I couldn't disagree more with him. I don't think the Pope has anymore authority than anyone else on what God has to say to us. God's Word...the Bible...and the Holy Spirit are the way He speaks today. He uses His body the church to encourage and instruct. And sometimes He uses big ol' men that like red meat...like the guy I met with today, and other times he uses old girlfriends in their familiar Honda's along with bowling ball hearts hitting you in the crotch to remind you of where you've come from. But to the catholics I suppose God aquired a new voice today, for me I got a kick in the nuts as a reminder of where Ive been and some great advice from just about the biggest man I know about where I could end up. All in all an eventful lunch.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Finally had a breakdown...
This weekend I finally had a breakdown. Happens ever so often. I can't think of a time in my life where I've seen more sin coming to the surface than right now. I've wanted to blame all of this on the ministry that I was involved in in college. I think that being involved with that, I was able to piggy-back off of other peoples spirituality...if indeed thier's was true. I was able to survive off of corporate stuff. I think now my personal time in prayer, study of the Word, basic spiritual disciplines, really aren't all that much different than they have been over the past 4 years or so. Now I just don't have the saftey net of people in a ministry around me for me to compare myself to so I can feel ok. I don't have people approving of me if I look like Im getting by. Im really glad for that fact. I see now that Im a pretty terrible guy, and Im in great need of a saviour. In the past I would have said that I knew I was terrible...thats what everyone says being involved in a college ministry based around reformed theology...but I really think I thought that though I was "terrible" I could still make it on my own. I think I thought that way because I was being approved of and being handed more responsiblity every time I looked spiritual enough. The people in the ministry who couldn't hide thier sin as well as I did, they got left behind a lot of the time and we're kind of looked down on as irresponsible, or weaker in faith. I on the other hand was handed leadership roles. I'm thankful for that, don't get me wrong. I think God used me in those roles to bring about change in the way some people thought and to make a difference with the people I was around. The roles I held in college definitly changed me. But looking back, I deserved those roles no more than the people who were't given any opportunity. Well anyway, back to my point now Im away from that and Im seeing a ton of sin and though I need it it just plain sucks. The good thing is that now without people looking at me evaluating me for the next summer opportunity, I can deal with real issuses for the sake of dealing with them, instead of for the sake of my own reputation. Its tough but I need it.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Pensive Doubting, Fearful...me.
I've been going through a kind of strange time here lately. Don't quite understand it yet, but then again I rarely, if ever, do. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how Christians, myself in particular, seem to come about this idea of the Christian life being a well hearted, faith empowered, attempt to have our lives look like Jesus'. I think that statement could almost be a mission statement for the typical believer (and in that I have to include myself, because for so much of my life as a believer I have held that mindset). To lead a life that looks like Jesus' and to hold Him up as the premire example, or model for us to live by. WWJD? What would Jesus do? It's kind of played out by now, though I occasionally see a bracelet or two, but that underlying mindest still seems to rule the church these days. But... that doesn't mean its right.
Recently Ive just felt like crap when I start to think about my "performance" as a person, believer, you name it. I just stink at life. I fail daily and I never measure up. I end up hurting people because Im a jerk and I'm selfish. I fall short of every command that Christ ever laid out, and I see that Im utterly broken. At times Ive doubted that Im even a true believer because sometimes I dont feel like Im living in light of what I believe. I think, "Ive been a Christian for 10 years and I still suck." Im still struggling with the same stupid sins that I did the day I first believed. I just keep thinking that I should be better by now, and I think the mindest of WWJD fuels this kind of thinking. I like what Derek Webb said in a recent concert that I went to concerning the first time that he hear WWJD, "What would Jesus do?, what do you mean what would Jesus do?...He would walk on water, he would turn water into wine, he would feed 5000 with a few pieces of bread and some fish. He would die on a cross as atonement for the sins of God's people for all time. What do you mean what would Jesus do?"
See what he was getting at was this. Yes Jesus is an example of one who followed God perfectly, but if all we as a fallen people needed was an example then Christ died in vain. He died because we need a savior. Christians are far too concerned with looking like Jesus did and not nearly concerned enough with looking like a people that need Jesus. I feel like thats kind of where I am. I know I cant look like Jesus, Ive kind of known it all along but Ive seen it more and more after college. No more borrowed convictions from campus ministries, no more saftey nets of accountabiltiy groups so you can survive off of a corporate prayer life. Im starting to see where I really am. And its caused much doubt in me. Its caused me to take a second look. And now coming through the back end of a stage of doubt, Im seeing that its not my saviour that I doubt but a system of thought that leads to people looking to Christ as an example of morality or whatever, and refusing Him as Saviour and Lord. Im not perfect, not by a long shot. And I still feel that Im too comfortable with sin that seems to reside in my heart, and I wonder how long God will bear with me, or if He will get tired of my stumbling, I get tired of it. I know God will not nor cannot stop persuing me...after all what kind of a good Calvinist could I be if I didn't believe in Perseverence, but how I still doubt.
But there is a great hope, and its Christ.
This Hymn has reall encouraged me over the past week.
Pensive, doubting, fearful heart,
Hear what Christ the Saviour says;
Every word should joy impart,
Change thy mourning into praise:
Yes, he speaks, and speaks to thee,
May he help thee to believe!
Then thou presently wilt see,
Thou hast little cause to grieve.
Fear thou not, nor be ashamed,
All thy sorrows soon shall end
I who heav'n and earth have framed,
Am thy husband and thy friend
I the High and Holy One,
Israel's God by all adored;
As thy Saviour will be known,
Thy Redeemer and thy Lord.
For a moment I withdrew,
And thy heart was filled with pain;
But my mercies I'll renew,
Thou shalt soon rejoice again:
Though I scorn to hide my face,
Very soon my wrath shall cease;
'Tis but for a moment's space,
Ending in eternal peace.
When my peaceful bow appears
Painted on the wat'ry cloud;
'Tis to dissipate thy fears,
Lest the earth should be o'erflowed:
'Tis an emblem too of grace,
Of my cov'nant love a sign;
Though the mountains leave their place,
Thou shalt be for ever mine.
Though afflicted, tempest-tossed,
Comfortless awhile thou art,
Do not think thou canst be lost,
Thou art graven on my heart
All thy walls I will repair,
Thou shalt be rebuilt anew;
And in thee it shall appear,
What a God of love can do.
(written John Newton 1779)
Recently Ive just felt like crap when I start to think about my "performance" as a person, believer, you name it. I just stink at life. I fail daily and I never measure up. I end up hurting people because Im a jerk and I'm selfish. I fall short of every command that Christ ever laid out, and I see that Im utterly broken. At times Ive doubted that Im even a true believer because sometimes I dont feel like Im living in light of what I believe. I think, "Ive been a Christian for 10 years and I still suck." Im still struggling with the same stupid sins that I did the day I first believed. I just keep thinking that I should be better by now, and I think the mindest of WWJD fuels this kind of thinking. I like what Derek Webb said in a recent concert that I went to concerning the first time that he hear WWJD, "What would Jesus do?, what do you mean what would Jesus do?...He would walk on water, he would turn water into wine, he would feed 5000 with a few pieces of bread and some fish. He would die on a cross as atonement for the sins of God's people for all time. What do you mean what would Jesus do?"
See what he was getting at was this. Yes Jesus is an example of one who followed God perfectly, but if all we as a fallen people needed was an example then Christ died in vain. He died because we need a savior. Christians are far too concerned with looking like Jesus did and not nearly concerned enough with looking like a people that need Jesus. I feel like thats kind of where I am. I know I cant look like Jesus, Ive kind of known it all along but Ive seen it more and more after college. No more borrowed convictions from campus ministries, no more saftey nets of accountabiltiy groups so you can survive off of a corporate prayer life. Im starting to see where I really am. And its caused much doubt in me. Its caused me to take a second look. And now coming through the back end of a stage of doubt, Im seeing that its not my saviour that I doubt but a system of thought that leads to people looking to Christ as an example of morality or whatever, and refusing Him as Saviour and Lord. Im not perfect, not by a long shot. And I still feel that Im too comfortable with sin that seems to reside in my heart, and I wonder how long God will bear with me, or if He will get tired of my stumbling, I get tired of it. I know God will not nor cannot stop persuing me...after all what kind of a good Calvinist could I be if I didn't believe in Perseverence, but how I still doubt.
But there is a great hope, and its Christ.
This Hymn has reall encouraged me over the past week.
Pensive, doubting, fearful heart,
Hear what Christ the Saviour says;
Every word should joy impart,
Change thy mourning into praise:
Yes, he speaks, and speaks to thee,
May he help thee to believe!
Then thou presently wilt see,
Thou hast little cause to grieve.
Fear thou not, nor be ashamed,
All thy sorrows soon shall end
I who heav'n and earth have framed,
Am thy husband and thy friend
I the High and Holy One,
Israel's God by all adored;
As thy Saviour will be known,
Thy Redeemer and thy Lord.
For a moment I withdrew,
And thy heart was filled with pain;
But my mercies I'll renew,
Thou shalt soon rejoice again:
Though I scorn to hide my face,
Very soon my wrath shall cease;
'Tis but for a moment's space,
Ending in eternal peace.
When my peaceful bow appears
Painted on the wat'ry cloud;
'Tis to dissipate thy fears,
Lest the earth should be o'erflowed:
'Tis an emblem too of grace,
Of my cov'nant love a sign;
Though the mountains leave their place,
Thou shalt be for ever mine.
Though afflicted, tempest-tossed,
Comfortless awhile thou art,
Do not think thou canst be lost,
Thou art graven on my heart
All thy walls I will repair,
Thou shalt be rebuilt anew;
And in thee it shall appear,
What a God of love can do.
(written John Newton 1779)
Thursday, March 31, 2005
first in over a year
Dang....stuff sure has changed. A friend of mine was telling me that he started a blog last week. I remembered that I'd started one a while back, due to an assignment in a digital media art class...a project designed to plunge me deeper into cyber culture or something like that I think, don't know if it worked or not, but I decided to check out my old stuff. Man its strange to see where a year can take you. Seemed like all of my thoughts then were focused on what I'd be doing now and honestly none of them were right. Good think I used all that time and energy trying to figure it out I guess.
Well the internship thing turned into a job, thats where I am now. Im a video editor at a good production place in Birmingham. I still live close to the universtiy I graduated from, but thats changing soon. I never got to go back to Brasil but lots of my friends have. I went to beach project and was a team leader and decided that I really wasn't cut out for CO style ministry state side at least. I hated all the staff meetings and disagree with the way they do a lot of stuff. Good to find out I suppose. In the old posts from my other blog (maybe I can link them, I dont know) I talked about asking girls out my last semester of school. I think I remember the girl that I was thinking of specifically at that time....Sharron. Man, missed the boat on that one. I posted something about asking girls out in November, and when I got back from Christmas break I was sure I was going to ask her out, becuase I'd be seeing her more because she was going to be living on campus. Well I started looking and finally asked one of her friends where the heck she was, and she promplty told me she got married over the break. Well...looks like I would have just got shot down there anyway.
Since graduating Ive become an adult I think...at least kind of. I have a real job with salary, insurance, an hour commute, and bills that I hate paying. I also feel fat and lazy because I sit on my ass all day and look at a computer screen. All in all being an adult kind of sucks. Im hoping that it will get better. Ive tried to start writing a book, didn't really get real far, but I haven't given up just yet. I'm also trying to be a better guitar player, again not getting very far. I want to write songs, and I started one yesterday. Seems good, but still a little ways to go.
Im not sure how I feel about the real world just yet, guess thats why Im starting a blog, to give me an outlet for thoughts about it. Hopefully future posts wont be so scattered, but Im not getting my hopes up.
Well the internship thing turned into a job, thats where I am now. Im a video editor at a good production place in Birmingham. I still live close to the universtiy I graduated from, but thats changing soon. I never got to go back to Brasil but lots of my friends have. I went to beach project and was a team leader and decided that I really wasn't cut out for CO style ministry state side at least. I hated all the staff meetings and disagree with the way they do a lot of stuff. Good to find out I suppose. In the old posts from my other blog (maybe I can link them, I dont know) I talked about asking girls out my last semester of school. I think I remember the girl that I was thinking of specifically at that time....Sharron. Man, missed the boat on that one. I posted something about asking girls out in November, and when I got back from Christmas break I was sure I was going to ask her out, becuase I'd be seeing her more because she was going to be living on campus. Well I started looking and finally asked one of her friends where the heck she was, and she promplty told me she got married over the break. Well...looks like I would have just got shot down there anyway.
Since graduating Ive become an adult I think...at least kind of. I have a real job with salary, insurance, an hour commute, and bills that I hate paying. I also feel fat and lazy because I sit on my ass all day and look at a computer screen. All in all being an adult kind of sucks. Im hoping that it will get better. Ive tried to start writing a book, didn't really get real far, but I haven't given up just yet. I'm also trying to be a better guitar player, again not getting very far. I want to write songs, and I started one yesterday. Seems good, but still a little ways to go.
Im not sure how I feel about the real world just yet, guess thats why Im starting a blog, to give me an outlet for thoughts about it. Hopefully future posts wont be so scattered, but Im not getting my hopes up.
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