San Fransico

The other day a good friend of mine told me to check into this church plant that is going to happen out in San Francisco. I was a little reluctant but she called me again and told me that she really thought that I would fit in well with the community of people that is going and that I thought a lot like the guy who is planting the church. So I checked out the site and tried to figure out what I thought about it.
Well I have to say that I was a little put off by what I saw on the site. I watched these videos from the guy that is planting the church. He talked a lot about consumerism and fast food stuff...the McDonaldization of our culture and all that kind of thing. (I think that's why my friend told me to check it out cause I get on my soap box about those very issuses) In one video the guy was at Q-Doba...a burrito place that is set up kind of like sub-way. You just tell them what you want they make it in front of you and it all happens really fast (that part is sadly unlike subway). Well, first off the video's seemed awkward to me, possibly because Im a video editor, but mainly because they just seemed very contrived, too well scripted or cliche, and overall just fake. But aside from my crtical kind of smart assish take on his video making skillz, I had major objection to his underlying message.

Basically, he is complaining about consumer clutter, i.e. advertizing and the mentality of immediate gratification. Complaining about those thing are healthy I think. But my issue is the fact that his solution is more of the same thing. He is saying that advertizing makes us want to be immediatly gratified and that is a bad thing and that religion...or spirituality doesn't work that way. He said far too many times that "You can't wrap your soul in a burrito." By saying this he is trying to communicate that consumer culture wont satisfy the longings of your soul. This is true. My problem is not with his assesment of the problem but with the solution he offers. The website is promoting a weekly meeting called the Gathering and subtitled a young adult community. Its a slick little website chocked full of videos and mp.3 downloads. In the time that I spent on there I saw links for people who were in college, who had graduated but were single, the people who were married, but only for young people. His solution to consumer and advertizing clutter is a church affinity group that is pre-packaged and slickly advertized, and beyond that its only accessable to young adults. Im sure, based on the assesments of friends who have heard this guy speak, that when the young people get there they hear some good things. But my hang up is that they are being fed more pre-packaged junk to get them there. They are told that "thier souls cannot be wrapped in a burrito" but they are closing their eyes and biting into a big ol' faith burrito that is taylor made for young people who dislike corperate america and the consumer culture that we've created. His whole approache it would seem to me is nothing more than a "sanctified" version of the problem that he is fighting. To me it seems ironic.
The other problem that I have is that its kind of inclusive. It doesn't seem friendly to the elderly, or the poor for that matter. Its seems so focused on the trendy people, the young, the hip, the anti-establishment types to be focused on the fact that a chuch is built from all types of people, and religion pure and untainted is caring for widows and orphans, or at least that is what James tells us. I don't feel that the answer to a culture that is too heavily saturated with mental garbage from corporations trying to compete for consumer loyalty is to follow the same method in planting a church or having a group like the gathering. The answer is feeding poor people, helping build communities where there are none, getting involved in social issuses, loving people without regaurd for what they can give to you. The answer is the gospel, and no it won't fit in a burrito, so why do we try? The gospel is fine on its own, it needs no package, no slick web site or video. Its powerful, and I just feel like too many people...myself included...are missing it.

God gets a new voice....my nuts.

Wow talk about a big lunch break for me. I was on my way to meet with a guy that is helping me think though the way I'm wired up and how that applies to my calling, you know what type of job would suit my personality type and whatnot. Im an INFP by the way. Anywho I was out on 280 driving to meet the guy...by the way when the lost people of Birmingham end up in hell, there's a good chance they will be able to find their way around because Im sure its a lot like 280....back to the story, I was on my way to meet the guy and I saw a car that looked all to familiar trying to merge in front of me. It wasn't going quite fast enough for me to slow down and let it over so I passed it and it got behind me. About midway through my pass I recognized the car, the driver, and the all too familiar postition of the drivers hand holding a cell phone while driving. It was the last girl I dated. The very one that everyone thought I would end up marrying. The same one that I tend to wonder wether or not I missed my chance with. Well I saw her and my heart dropped. It dropped straight to my crotch, but not in a longing kind of sexual attraction heart in my crotch kind of feeling. It was more like my heart became a bowling ball and it was dropped on my crotch and I wanted to throw up because of it. Well I think she noticed me too, because I saw her arm go out her window and straight up in the air...I couldn't tell if it had an extended middle finger or not, but I sure saw it out the window of that familiar old Accord hatch back. I really dont think it did. In the confusion of the situation I actually missed the restraunt that I was going to and had to go ask directions to the place. One of the places I stopped to ask directions from was a Starbucks. Wouldn't you know it she was there too. I'm not sure if she saw me or not, or if she thought I was following her. I really wasn't. Oh well, strange, but I made it through it. She really is an amazing girl and honestly I'd be all too lucky if she was still in my life, but I was a jerk and couldn't handle her. Ive learned a lot since that time and God has had His hands full changing my heart. Now the same situations that caused me to break her heart really don't bother me all that much. It's not like I want to reconcile a relationship with her and go get married like everyone expected. Im actually not even interested in her. I think the reason my heart dropped and my stoamach hurt was first off, the simple shock of the situation, and second the harsh reminder that I have the capability of hurting someone as bad as I did her. Hopefully she is a better person than I am and she is able to forgive me.
Well I went to the place and talked to the guy about future and calling and all that stuff. It was one of the best conversations that Ive had in recent months with anyone. Im supposed to work through some more stuff and get back with him. Well during all of this time I noticed that there is a new Pope. I work with a catholic guy and I remember a conversation with him where he said that the Pope was the voice of God. I couldn't disagree more with him. I don't think the Pope has anymore authority than anyone else on what God has to say to us. God's Word...the Bible...and the Holy Spirit are the way He speaks today. He uses His body the church to encourage and instruct. And sometimes He uses big ol' men that like red meat...like the guy I met with today, and other times he uses old girlfriends in their familiar Honda's along with bowling ball hearts hitting you in the crotch to remind you of where you've come from. But to the catholics I suppose God aquired a new voice today, for me I got a kick in the nuts as a reminder of where Ive been and some great advice from just about the biggest man I know about where I could end up. All in all an eventful lunch.

Finally had a breakdown...

This weekend I finally had a breakdown. Happens ever so often. I can't think of a time in my life where I've seen more sin coming to the surface than right now. I've wanted to blame all of this on the ministry that I was involved in in college. I think that being involved with that, I was able to piggy-back off of other peoples spirituality...if indeed thier's was true. I was able to survive off of corporate stuff. I think now my personal time in prayer, study of the Word, basic spiritual disciplines, really aren't all that much different than they have been over the past 4 years or so. Now I just don't have the saftey net of people in a ministry around me for me to compare myself to so I can feel ok. I don't have people approving of me if I look like Im getting by. Im really glad for that fact. I see now that Im a pretty terrible guy, and Im in great need of a saviour. In the past I would have said that I knew I was terrible...thats what everyone says being involved in a college ministry based around reformed theology...but I really think I thought that though I was "terrible" I could still make it on my own. I think I thought that way because I was being approved of and being handed more responsiblity every time I looked spiritual enough. The people in the ministry who couldn't hide thier sin as well as I did, they got left behind a lot of the time and we're kind of looked down on as irresponsible, or weaker in faith. I on the other hand was handed leadership roles. I'm thankful for that, don't get me wrong. I think God used me in those roles to bring about change in the way some people thought and to make a difference with the people I was around. The roles I held in college definitly changed me. But looking back, I deserved those roles no more than the people who were't given any opportunity. Well anyway, back to my point now Im away from that and Im seeing a ton of sin and though I need it it just plain sucks. The good thing is that now without people looking at me evaluating me for the next summer opportunity, I can deal with real issuses for the sake of dealing with them, instead of for the sake of my own reputation. Its tough but I need it.

Pensive Doubting, Fearful...me.

I've been going through a kind of strange time here lately. Don't quite understand it yet, but then again I rarely, if ever, do. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how Christians, myself in particular, seem to come about this idea of the Christian life being a well hearted, faith empowered, attempt to have our lives look like Jesus'. I think that statement could almost be a mission statement for the typical believer (and in that I have to include myself, because for so much of my life as a believer I have held that mindset). To lead a life that looks like Jesus' and to hold Him up as the premire example, or model for us to live by. WWJD? What would Jesus do? It's kind of played out by now, though I occasionally see a bracelet or two, but that underlying mindest still seems to rule the church these days. But... that doesn't mean its right.
Recently Ive just felt like crap when I start to think about my "performance" as a person, believer, you name it. I just stink at life. I fail daily and I never measure up. I end up hurting people because Im a jerk and I'm selfish. I fall short of every command that Christ ever laid out, and I see that Im utterly broken. At times Ive doubted that Im even a true believer because sometimes I dont feel like Im living in light of what I believe. I think, "Ive been a Christian for 10 years and I still suck." Im still struggling with the same stupid sins that I did the day I first believed. I just keep thinking that I should be better by now, and I think the mindest of WWJD fuels this kind of thinking. I like what Derek Webb said in a recent concert that I went to concerning the first time that he hear WWJD, "What would Jesus do?, what do you mean what would Jesus do?...He would walk on water, he would turn water into wine, he would feed 5000 with a few pieces of bread and some fish. He would die on a cross as atonement for the sins of God's people for all time. What do you mean what would Jesus do?"
See what he was getting at was this. Yes Jesus is an example of one who followed God perfectly, but if all we as a fallen people needed was an example then Christ died in vain. He died because we need a savior. Christians are far too concerned with looking like Jesus did and not nearly concerned enough with looking like a people that need Jesus. I feel like thats kind of where I am. I know I cant look like Jesus, Ive kind of known it all along but Ive seen it more and more after college. No more borrowed convictions from campus ministries, no more saftey nets of accountabiltiy groups so you can survive off of a corporate prayer life. Im starting to see where I really am. And its caused much doubt in me. Its caused me to take a second look. And now coming through the back end of a stage of doubt, Im seeing that its not my saviour that I doubt but a system of thought that leads to people looking to Christ as an example of morality or whatever, and refusing Him as Saviour and Lord. Im not perfect, not by a long shot. And I still feel that Im too comfortable with sin that seems to reside in my heart, and I wonder how long God will bear with me, or if He will get tired of my stumbling, I get tired of it. I know God will not nor cannot stop persuing me...after all what kind of a good Calvinist could I be if I didn't believe in Perseverence, but how I still doubt.
But there is a great hope, and its Christ.

This Hymn has reall encouraged me over the past week.

Pensive, doubting, fearful heart,
Hear what Christ the Saviour says;
Every word should joy impart,
Change thy mourning into praise:
Yes, he speaks, and speaks to thee,
May he help thee to believe!
Then thou presently wilt see,
Thou hast little cause to grieve.

Fear thou not, nor be ashamed,
All thy sorrows soon shall end
I who heav'n and earth have framed,
Am thy husband and thy friend
I the High and Holy One,
Israel's God by all adored;
As thy Saviour will be known,
Thy Redeemer and thy Lord.

For a moment I withdrew,
And thy heart was filled with pain;
But my mercies I'll renew,
Thou shalt soon rejoice again:
Though I scorn to hide my face,
Very soon my wrath shall cease;
'Tis but for a moment's space,
Ending in eternal peace.

When my peaceful bow appears
Painted on the wat'ry cloud;
'Tis to dissipate thy fears,
Lest the earth should be o'erflowed:
'Tis an emblem too of grace,
Of my cov'nant love a sign;
Though the mountains leave their place,
Thou shalt be for ever mine.

Though afflicted, tempest-tossed,
Comfortless awhile thou art,
Do not think thou canst be lost,
Thou art graven on my heart
All thy walls I will repair,
Thou shalt be rebuilt anew;
And in thee it shall appear,
What a God of love can do.
(written John Newton 1779)