a month in...

Well I've been here in Philly for a month. Things have gone so much better than I thought they would. I'm not sure thats saying a whole lot... as the move approached I found myself being more and more of a pessimist, even in the midst of all sorts of provisions that should have reassured me that things would be just fine. Maybe all those provisions are a post for another time... or better yet if anyone is wondering about them let me know and I'll email or call you.

It's starting to sink in that I actually live here now. I got my first parking ticket the first weekend I was here... an appropriate welcome. Went to a Phillies game. I'm learning to enjoy hockey... I'm already rockin the playoff beard so I at least look like a local. I've been going to work for three weeks. Getting up each morning, heading out the door to wait on the bus. It actually feels a little like Im in elementary school again. I have my token... which reminds me of milk money... I wait for the crossing guard to wave me across the street (there's actually a middle school right where I wait on the bus... and an elementary school down the way)... then I get on the bus, usually to stand awkwardly with my butt or crotch (depending on if I like them... Montevallo caf goers should remember that game) all up in someone's grill. Sometimes on a good day I get a seat, and someone else's butt or crotch in my grill. I actually saw a girl on a bike get hit by a car whilst waiting for the bus. The crossing guard had just taken a break because she was tired or something. Good thing no one was hurt, she'd be on permanent break then.

I always enjoy the walk from wherever the bus drops me off to work. The first few weeks I got off at a different street every day because I didn't quite get how the request stop stuff worked, and I got confused as to which street I was supposed to get off on. Sometimes I get off on the wrong one just so I can enjoy the fact that I work in Center City. Its pretty amazing to me. I used to watch movies and see characters walking down crowded city streets, in the shadows of huge buildings as they went to their jobs and fancied myself as such a character. Even though I always imagined that I'd take a shot at it eventually I always thought my chances were pretty slim. I remember walking to work my first day and telling myself, "Slow down and enjoy this.. you worked your ass off to get here so don't let it just pass." So I did slow down. I actually stopped and looked around a little. It was pretty surreal for me. And Im thankful to have the shot.

Since then though doubt again has crept in and I've been dominated by it. Work got tough real fast. I've started to doubt myself and have made a lot of stupid mistakes. But some days are good and I feel like I actually have done something worth looking at. Im looking forward to more of those days.

I should be moving into my apartment in the next couple of weeks. I posted some pics here. Its a big place and I don't have much stuff. All of my stuff actually fits into a 5 X 10 X 8 storage unit, and so I guess if I wanted to I could stack it all up in the corner of one room and have a skating party once I move in. Im looking forward to having an office / music room. I guess I should say that Im looking forward to having hobbies again and it will be nice to have a room in which to engage in those hobbies. In Birmingham all my free time either went to overcommitments or trying to making better work so I could get a better job. Now hopefully that I'll be doing better work as a job I can spend my free time on music / learning non work computer stuff and just hacking around in general.

Last night after dinner with the Twilleys and some of their friends I was being asked some kind of get to know you questions which I actually kind of enjoyed... mostly about my family and where they were. "All in Alabama," I said. Then I was asked if it was a big deal that I left. I've wondered about that. I suppose to me it is... or maybe it will be. I told my old boss in Birmingham that the one question that haunted me was "Could I cut it anywhere but here?" Its a big deal for me to find the answer to that. The strange thing is I really don't care what the answer is... either I can or I can't and I'm fine with either, its just the not knowing that drove me crazy. I'm far less scared of failure than of never having taken the chance.

Well as usual, I've rambled on incoherently... hope if anyone's been wanting me to blog enjoyed it.

Last Birmingham Blog

I should be leaving within the next hour or so. I've been told by several friends that I'd better blog more often so I figured I'd best go on and start.

I honestly haven't had the down time I'd liked to have had to sit down and write and process all thats been going on in my head with this move but to try to sum it all up, I basically go back and fourth thinking this is the best thing I'll ever do, and this is the worst mistake I've ever made. And that cycle happens about every 90 seconds or so. Right now the "worst mistake" side is tending to win... but I believe the closer I get to my new home the "best thing" side will gain its lost ground.

Its been hard saying goodbye to people. The community group was tough for me. So many people who I respect so much and have grown close to over the past few years, so many people who've known me for so long that it scares me to think of how old I'll be when I'll know folks in Philadelphia that long. The SouthTown guys were great at our goodbye... I'll miss them more than they'll realize. No more J. Clyde... that just sucks.

I really love it here... I've never said any different. Sometimes I wonder if I've let a bad job situation run me out of my home. But I don't give a lot of credit to that thought. Sometimes you just have to take a shot at something different. I've said several times that if I never go whatever work I do in Birmingham I'll resent it, because I'm comparing it to some ideal that I've concocted in my head. Maybe that ideal is real somewhere, but if I never look I guess I'll never know. The ground is hard in Birmingham for the work that I've found myself in, and its broken my back. Maybe there's softer, more manageable ground north of here.

Leaving is harder than I expected; much harder. I'll miss my friends and family here. So for all the friends I had to say goodbye to and those that I didn't get the chance to, I love you guys and look forward to seeing you all again soon.