Holding down the fort.

Well this morning a bunch of my friends left for Thailand. Saturday a bunch more will be leaving for beach project. This will be the first summer in four years that I wasn't either at beach project or overseas. I can help but wish I were going somewhere. I mostly just want to go back to Brazil or have one more summer at beach project. I think Ive changed a lot even just since last summer and I think Id enjoy the environment a lot more this year. Last year I think I went down there with something to prove and it kind of ruined a good part of my summer. I guess though I'll always look back over years past and say to myself, "I wish I knew then what I know now." I think most people do that. Guess I should just realize that Im always going to be changing and from tomorrows perspective I will have never known enough for today, but in the here and now I know that Im doing just fine. All in all I still wish I were on an air plane or on the road to the beach rather than sitting at work playing online games....but hey, if Im going to work, online games aren't all that bad.

Packing My Bags, and Sobering Up

Well, I'm moving again. Nothing new really. I've done it once a year for the past 5 years. This time I have a whole week with no real responsibilities except for work to get all of my packing, thinking, and waltzing down memory lane done.

I guess because I don't have all the responsibilities of being in school and being an RA I can actually filter through all the stuff that I've accumulated over my college years. Its kind of funny how I've carried all of it from place to place while moving but never really unpacked it. The stuff stays packed away neatly in the same boxes just waiting for the next move. Well this time I decided to try to sort out the good stuff from the useless stuff that just adds weight to boxes that are already about to break.

Last night it was almost overwhelming looking at these various items, maps of Vancouver, Brazilian change (coins), Waffle House parafanailia, old journals, notes from philosophy or Art history classes. All these strange items that hold absolutely no value to anyone but me. I sat there in my floor, and on the corner of my bed as the stories and the memories of people and places that validate my preservation of these artifacts swirled around me and one by one filled my head, and worked on down into my chest. The time that I was granted in college has been no doubt the best time of my life. It was fun to sit there and read old journals where I was writing as if I had it all figured out...When I was a sophomore. Then to read entries from my junior and senior year that tell of my realization that I don't know anything, only to see that a few pages later I had it together again. At one point I laughed out loud because in one particular entry I seemed like I was getting it. I seemed like I was having a glimpse of clarity. There was zeal in my writing, there was purpose to what I was saying, and there was truth sprinkled thought my sentences....Then I turn the page and I never wrote in that notebook again. I guess I've always been inconsistent, probably always will be.

It was funny to me also to see the things I wrote about various girls I liked throughout college. I actually found a set of notes that I had come up with that I used in talking to the last girl that I "dated" (I was so against that term then that I didn't use such dreadful language, but that's what we did...We dated) about why we shouldn't move toward dating but rather just be friends and go on dates. I was actually surprised by the thought I put into it all, but still see that I was pretty uptight. Its funny to see things that I had done that I forgot I had done. Like writing letters to this girl because I felt like I couldn't tell her my feelings so I'd write them down, date them, and give them to her later, so she could see how long I'd been feeling this way. Its especially funny to see those things after you can't remember that you did them, and beyond that haven't seen the girl they are about in more than 3 years. Its also kind of sobering to see that I wanted to do the same thing not too long ago, but for whatever reason didn't....Guess I am growing up.

Being the Means...

Im a pretty haughty person most of the time. Thats not a good thing. A lot of the time I think my haughtyness is grounded in right thinking, but the fact that Im haughty at all, is eveidence of a seperate but equal degree of wrong thinking.

Ive been seeing lately that I complain a lot. I see things that I think are wrong with something, typically a specific ministry that I've been involved in or the chuch I go to or Chrisitan culture in general, and I critisize. I tear down. I despise. And then I go on about my business. Ive seen my complaining avail absolutly nothing of worth. At first I thought my complaints were helping other people see the same faults that I have seen...and I still believe that these faults are legitimate...and learn to think rightly about them. Sadly that has not been the case. All my complaining has accomplished is multiplying itself in people around me. Now I see other people saying the same things that I said a year ago, or a month ago and upon hearing it from someone else I see how unbecoming it is. I see how unattractive I must have been. Its not becoming of anyone to have that much annimosity in them, especially when believers are to be a people marked by love and acceptance.

Ive met some new people this week. They are all believers and they are nice enough, but they live and believe a little diffently than I do. They wear Christian T-Shirts and go to worship rallies. I tend to think that people like that are what is wrong with Christianity and of course I am all that is right with it. Im such an arrogant ass so much of the time. So after hanging out with them I left feeling like I would probably not spend much time with them agian.

Its begining to hurt me that I don't accept others who accept Christ. I have far more disputes with other Christians than I do with non-Christians and thats sad. Im unwilling to give any grace to other believers but give it freely to those who don't believe. What did Paul say....I think it was something to the effect of "let us not grow weary in doing good, especially to those who are of the household of faith."

I probably cannont count the number of times I either started or participated in a converstaion "discussing problems" in the church, chrisitan culture, or various ministries, that have been nothing more than self-righteouss, self-justifying attempts to tear down anyone who things differenly than I do. But I honestly can't remember the last time I had an honest conversation about the goodness of Christ or the wealth of love that God has shown to His people.

All this to say, recently Ive been terribly convicted about my critical heart. Honestly its the only thing that Ive seen multiplied in the people around me for some time now. And Im growing to despise that fact.

A while back I was debating, still am, moving overseas. I emailed a friend who is already there with some honest questions. He is working with the same ministry there that I have been involved with here. The same one that I complain about. After complaining to him, and expressing concern with working with the staff here, I asked him if it was any different there. Here is what he told me.

"True, WHO you work with is about as important as what you do, but this is also dependent on your openness and humility to both be a means of grace to others in sanctification and acceptance of others as being a means of grace in sanctification in YOUR life, independent of who they may be. It is a question of community, and how you are seeing yourself. Because if you cannot accept the differences of others, then you cannot encourage them toward love and good deeds. This means that including their sin, your desire is for them  and yourself to be reconciled and find the gospel in the issue."

I rarely ever do that, and Im seeing how negativly that effects the people around me. Im always looking to the people around me to be a means of grace in my life. I want to learn from people, I want to be around people that have it right so I can pull from their experiences. But when it comes to me being a means of grace to anyone who doesn't fit into my mold of what a believer should be, I write them off and by doing so nullify the opportunity to help them. All because I'd rather complain about them not understanding the great truths that I understand. When infact I understand nothing at all. When I don't extend grace to people, when I dont accept them right along with their differences of opinion on spiritual things, I take away any chance of making a difference to that person. Being judgemental toward people, specifically other believers, will never accomplish any good. At best I will have no effect on them, and typically I will do a lot of damage to the Body, and greive the Spirit.

Culture of heaven

Friday night I went to this called Art on the Rocks. I was all pumped about going a while back. That was also when I thought that I had a date to go with, and perhaps it would have been more enjoyable with a cute, cool girl, but I kind of doubt it. Too many people with their heads up their asses to be fun. Anyway aside from a lot of people that I could have done without being around there was a great singer songwriter playing. Griffin House; I saw him a while back at another show in birmingham and he is really the only reason that I went to this thing anyway. It was worth going to to hear him again, but unfortunatly I think my two friends Allen, David, and I were the only people there actually listening to him. Anyway long story short it was an altogether unenjoyable experience barring the great music and two good friends that went with me in lue of my being shat upon and not having a date.
Saturday I went to a wedding. Some friends of mine were playing the music. These guys are incredible one plays piano like no ones business, the other is a great guitar player and has a voice that I would kill to have. The other guy I don't know well at all but he plays upright bass and was taught by Edgar Myer. Needless to say it sounded great. They played a Myer piece called sliding down that almost made me cry. I sat there and thought, "man these guys are so much better than anything I heard last night...and its free and not so many snobby people." I also couldn't help but think what heaven will be like. I believe that it's going to be very much like the world we live in today in that people will have stuff to do, jobs and whatnot. Talents and skills and all that too. I think that we'll live in cities and get from place to place. And the great part will be that there's no sin and everything will be done in perfect harmony with God. No broken relationship with Him perfect communion forever. I sat there in that church where I saw as clearly as ever a picture of Christ and the church in the wedding cerimony and listened to three guys my own age play some of the sweetest music I'd ever heard and all I could think of is what the culture of heaven will be like. Like I said I believe that time will look much like it does now, people doing stuff and all that jobs and whatnot, but I also tend to think that there will be art to be made, and music to be played, and that there will be cultural events theatre and the like in heaven. There's going to be culture and what a culture it will be. People from all tribes toungues and nations all enjoying the gifts that eachother have, all with no envy, no hate, no competition, and all in perfect communion with God. The culture of heaven. My heart aches to be there. Sadly its only when I stop to think of it that I feel this way. Ordinarily I just pasify myself with video games, the internet, playing guitar, or wishing my life were different. Its such a waste honestly. Eternal life starts with Christ and for me as a believer thats already started.
I suppose its my job as a believer to begin to bring that heavenly culture to rest here on earth. Isn't that how Jesus taught his disciples to pray, ""Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven" Heaven is set as the model. That model or that ideal is to be brought to earth. Thats what scripture teaches, Im just slow to learn. All this time Ive been wondering what the culture of heave will be like and the answer was right there sitting in that church listening to those guys play. They played well, they played with no competition amongst eachother. They played not for themselves to be seen, but for the people to enjoy and though they might not have known it they played that Christ might be seen, heard, felt, and experienced in the music they made. That's the culture of heaven...at least some of it. And my heart aches for it.

Weddings change everything

I was at a wedding this weekend. Weddings are becoming a lot more meaningful to me these days. I dont think its because I feel alone a lot. I don't even remember wishing I had a girlfriend or anything at this wedding. Actually I even remember thinking that it was a good thing that I didn't because I think that what God has been showing me about relationships and what Ive been learning from friends who are already married has sobered to the fact that marriage isn't like I see on tv. I was talking to a friend who is going to Thailand this summer about it all and I told him that when he goes he will be floored by the fact that the Thai people will think that his life is like Will's on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air or like some other tv show that they have seen or a movie. I told him that that's how it was to some degree in Brasil. That people associated what they saw in the movies and on tv with what american life is actually like. I think thats how I think about marriage a lot. I think I really romanticise it and probably just have a screwy view in general about it. But like I said I think Im being sobered to that fact and because of all that sobering at this wedding I was glad that it wasn't me saying the I do's and all that.

Its kind of strange to me that in the course of 15 minutes or however long a wedding cerimony actually lasts that pepole's lives can change so much. Not just on paper or legally which is kind of funny too, but spiritually and everything. It really is a great mystery. At one point these two people are seperate, then they are one. At one point it is a sin and dishonoring to God if they have sex, then the next minute its glorifying. Its so strange that so much can change in that short of a time. I was talking to that same friend about what actually is going on at a wedding. And what we came up with is that these two people gathered together as many people as they thought were important and said before God and them that they pleged to love no other person but the one that is all dressed up there holding thier hands. And thats about it. Its a covenant, its a promise, and that is what changes everything. Everything changes just because a promise is made and it is witnessed. Its so abstract to me. I guess thats good though, abstract things are more fun to try to wrap you head around anyway.

More theories on Biblical love

Guess its been on my mind a lot recently. Its been on my mind for the last year or so but I guess its just even more now because of situations from last week and the fact that all my friends have moved out of Montevallo for the summer and I have a lot of time to sit and stare at the walls and think. I was writing last time about not really knowing what to think about how I felt about, liked or whatever you call it, a girl that I'd been trying to go out with. I think through that situation God showed me more about the nature of love, regaurdless if I was experiencing it or not. I tend to think it was closer to love than I had been before because I found myself not focused on myself, but on her well being. In my last post I wrote about how I feel like I got pissed on a few times but just took it without really knowing until much later that there was piss on me. I wonder if real love just isn't aware of the piss or is fully aware of it and simply endures it because it's not in the other person's interest for you to tell them that they are pissing on you. Maybe its a combination. I still feel like it boils down to putting the other persons interest in front of your own. When stuff happened with Brandie I understood that I was getting my feelings hurt, but I choose to not worry about that because I would rather try to create the type of environment that I talked about earlier. The kind where she didn't feel the need to live up to unrealistic expectations or to perform.
In Ephsians, I'm pretty sure its there, Paul tells husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. I think that is the essece of what Christ does for the church. He took a lot, more than I could ever imagine, and Im not going to try to expound because I would at best be approaching irreverence of the subject of Christ's life and death and probably end up using language in comparing that would make His death appear less that the truth of what it was. But back to the point Christ's died to set His church free. Im reading a book by Steve Brown and he talks a lot about how when someone is free, that is exactly what they are FREE. They can do whatever the hell they want. Free. Its almost tough to swallow. Christ died, He loved His chuch so very much that He would become man, dwell with an "unbelieving generation", be mocked, falsely accused...the whole story. And for what? To create an environment where His Beloved no longer needs to perform, live up to expectation, bear a judgement for their wrong, or feel guilty for thier life. That's how Christ loved the church, He cared not for His own well being but rather for the assurance of creating an environment for His bride to know that she is loved.
I think Derek Webb has helped me see this too. Ive been listening to his new cd a lot. "What looks like failure is success, what looks like poverty is riches....what looks like weakness can do anything, what looks like foolishness is understanding." Things really are kind of upside down for the believer. Even love I guess. True love probably looks like a bad relationship at first....at least from one side or the other. But I think that where true love is then there will be a freedom, and where there is freedom I think that love will be returned. In that Steve Brown book there is an illustration about Abraham Lincoln and this slave girl that he bought. She was dejected because she thought to herself, "Here is another white man that will use me then discard me." But Abe told her that she was free. She asked, "Free to say whatever," he said, "Yes," She said "Free to go where ever?" He siad, "That's right" She started crying and said, "I think I'll go with you." The neat thing about that is that the one who is set free really has no concept of what freedom is, its the liberator who understands freedom and desires to give it to the slave because they understand how good it is. Thinking about that and my own relationship with Christ, I really have no clue what freedom is or how to experience it, but He does and He deeply desires to make it known to me. Thats why I want to go with Him. He wants to show me how to experience the goodness of living a free life and I guess part of that is teaching me how to love people.
I realize that in writing all this and knowing that its mostly coming because of experiences with a girl that it would be easy to think that Im all broken hearted and lovesick. That may be partly true, but only a very small part. I have no clue if Ive ever loved a girl, or for that matter if I presenly like any or if I care to at this point in my life. I do however see that regaurdless of dating relationships I am called to love everyone like Ive talked about. I of course know that if I ever do date anyone again and that leads to marriage that that will be deeper than a love for my co-workers and I think thats great, but it doesn't lessen the fact that love is what the believer is called to. I think slowly but surely God is showing me what love is, and hopefully Im seeing what love is not also. Its kind of a long road and Ive felt really lonely lately, but thats just me being stupid and pissing on the one who loves me enough to walk with me and talk to me about all this stuff and teach me how to enjoy what He has created for me.

One hell of a day

Well this past thursday was a doosey. The girl that I'd been trying to hang out with, like trying to find out if dating would be an option, she told me that it wasn't. Guess that takes the guss work out of it. It just stinks cause it took me so long to actually ask her out. Then for a long time I was real apprehensive about her, didn't want to open up because I knew that she and I are a lot different, and I did't really want to be too open and get hurt or have her open too wide and me hurt her either. Then things kept happening, stuff that would normally piss me off. Things like me going to visit her and her telling me when I got there that she had to finish a paper and couldn't really hang out long, or her telling me she would go places with me then having to cancel because of other stuff she fogot that she had to do. Well I just didn't get mad at those things, I was disappointed that things kept not working out. She didn't really make me mad, though I probably should have been. Some of my friends tell me should be mad now, but I still don't really think I am. I still don't know what that means. I heard some people talking about the nature of love and how one who is in love really isn't focused on their own feelings near as much as they are focused on the well being of the other person. I think I felt that way about her, Im not going to say it was love or that it is love, I just know that it was diffenrent that other girls I'd dated in the past. I didn't really care if I got my feelings hurt, I just wanted to create some kind of an environment for her where she knew that she was valued and where she could be herself without having to perform. And bottom line, I got pissed on a couple of times, and I didn't care because I cared more about her well being than my feelings. I guess that kinda sounds weak but I think its the right way to think about things. I knew that she wasn't meaning to do dumb stuff and hurt my feelings, at least I don't think she was, she said it wasn't her intention. I believed it wasn't before she said it so I guess I still believe it after our conversation. Basically she said that she felt bad because she couldn't give anything back to any kind of a relationship. I tend to think people do what they want to do and if she wanted to go out with me or spend time with me she would. But I didn't tell her that. Truth is Im still not mad at her. I like that she was as honest as she could be with me and she did the hard thing in talking about it. The part that sucks is that it kind of makes her more attractive. Like I said, I don't know if I love her or not or really for that matter how much I like her. Im forced now to deal with the question of wether I really like her, or I just like the idea of having someone. Im afraid it could be the latter. I hope not, mainly because I don't want to look like a jerk. Anyway it was a crappy conversation and since then Ive continually felt like Im being kicked in the gut. I just don't get it. Im actually really tired of the entire situation with girls and I wish I just didn't care at all, but I cant not care and that sucks too.
Sometime after that conversation I got a call from a good friend. He told me that his dad unexpectedly died. That kind of put stuff in perspective. Here I am toiling over a relationship that never got the chance to get off the ground and now looks like it never will and one of my best friends Dad dies. It made me think that every minute of everyday men's souls are hanging in the balance and Im so friggin stuck on myself that I never think about it. Im too busy playing Halo, worring about girls, or making stupid cadillac commercials to care. The whole situation made me think more about moving overseas, or going to seminary. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be happy untill I just man up and do one of those. I just keep thinking that if I don't at least give it a go the question will always haunt me. I tend to be haunted by questions with answers I'll never be able to get....and that sucks too.