Sunday, July 08, 2007

Well... I thought there would be lots to come from Philly, and there may still be a few posts that find their way on here, but I just haven't really been in the mood to write lately.

I've been thinking a lot about what's true. What is true about people, what defines that truth, how it's recognized. I've felt recently that my affections / loyalties are being fought for. Sometimes the persuasions are subtle, analogies that vilify, stories that are weighted. Other times they are more overt... "we can do this and that when you move here." Others still are trickier, gifts from employers received the very day I was thinking of applying elsewhere. Compliments from co-workers, just minutes after conversations about how frustrating a project has been.

I'm seeing that I too am fighting this fight for loyalty as well. "You should check out this show, you'll love it." "This guy is awesome, you should listen to him." When I find something I like, I push it on folks. I wonder how that makes people feel. I'm tired of feeling pushed and pulled. I don't want to be the one pushing. There must be sincerity in it though. These friends care for me and want to protect me. These like having me around. I get so much enjoyment out of something that I don't want friends to miss out on it.

But there's something awful about it too. Its manipulative and it's wearing me out. Conversations become encoded messages and I leave probably decoding them wrongly, but either way tired from trying. Gifts for jobs well done come across as bribes. And I wonder where the truth lies.

I can't help but wonder if it isn't just better to let people find their own way, or is lack of involvement worse? I want to arrive at my own conclusions, to make my own discoveries, at the same time though, I wonder if no one was there beside me in the midst of it, if I'd just end up feeling worse. It's hard to let others find their own way. Trying to control things, or manipulating people, is easier than seeing them make mistakes or possibly being faced with mistakes of your own. What if one person's conclusions stand in opposition to your own... no one wants to be faced with the possibility that their conclusions weren't right.... myself included that's why I'm so tired of thinking about all of this. What if I've been wrong? Wrong about people, friends, all of it. There is a distinct possibility that I'm just flat wrong. And what's worse, I have no idea how to tell.

I can't say that I'm all that close with my family, but earlier today, for the first time, I wondered if the reason why is because they understand what Im talking about right now. They let me find my own way. I appreciate that, though I think this is the first time I've seen it that way. In the past I've interpreted it as them not caring enough to be involved, but I think I've been wrong about that too.

9 comments:

jeff said...

I see what you mean; I can identify with much of what you said.

I sure am glad you are my friend.

susan said...

I read something by Steve Brown this week that I thought was awesome.

...when [my friends] have have selfish, vested interest in their motivation of me, it ceases to be motivation and becomes manipulation.

And then, I was talking to my father-in-law on Tuesday and he said, "If someone tells you what kind of car to buy, you've got to ask yourself what kind of car they're selling."

I think it's ironic that I would read both things so close together. God must be trying to teach me something. :-)

Su

G. Twilley said...

And sometimes people just love you and want to be around you. It's not all about manipulation. Part of the restoration Christ brings is a communion of saints where we can begin to trust each other again.

Just a thought [partly in ref to what su said as well].

As far as getting you to buy something, could be a horse of a different color.

susan said...

"And sometimes people just love you and want to be around you."

That is very true.

Jason Harmon said...

jeff... ditto as long as you don't pray for revenge against me

susan... weird

gene... true dat

and a general statement... I don't just assume that people are trying to manipulate me, that's not what the post is about. Its about me, for the first time, seeing that this can and does happen. Thats not to say that it is the only thing that happens, just that it can.

Hope the post didn't come across as me saying that manipulation is all that happens in every situation, or that there are layers of manipulation in everything. I don't thin, that at all.

susan said...

I think I started the manipulation theme running, but my point was really that I manuipulate people without meaning to sometimes. I was really thinking more a bunch of e-mails between me and Jason last week more than his actual post. I'm sorry for that confusion.

Su

Amit said...

hmmmm

Anonymous said...

This may seem weird but I've had small snipits of experiences w/ you but yet I've always felt deep in my soul that I know you but better yet you know me. I feel as if you know exactly how my brain operates but yet I feel your fear of the unknown, I feel that same fear. I constantly find myself in the rutts of comfortablilty and I say I'll branch out but yet I'm still swimming in the same pool day to day to day to day... I've shared myself w/ you & have felt instant connection between our souls inhibitions. Your not here but I feel you everyday.. I hope to not send you down a rabbits path w/ thoughts bouncing from forest to forest as to whom I may be, but please if you have any idea just let me know. Not sure what your thoughts on astrology are but here's the #'s of our first cross... 4th day of 03.07.07

Jason Harmon said...

anon. Ive got a vague idea of who you might be, but I'm not positive. Do you live in New York now?