Monday, April 11, 2005

Finally had a breakdown...

This weekend I finally had a breakdown. Happens ever so often. I can't think of a time in my life where I've seen more sin coming to the surface than right now. I've wanted to blame all of this on the ministry that I was involved in in college. I think that being involved with that, I was able to piggy-back off of other peoples spirituality...if indeed thier's was true. I was able to survive off of corporate stuff. I think now my personal time in prayer, study of the Word, basic spiritual disciplines, really aren't all that much different than they have been over the past 4 years or so. Now I just don't have the saftey net of people in a ministry around me for me to compare myself to so I can feel ok. I don't have people approving of me if I look like Im getting by. Im really glad for that fact. I see now that Im a pretty terrible guy, and Im in great need of a saviour. In the past I would have said that I knew I was terrible...thats what everyone says being involved in a college ministry based around reformed theology...but I really think I thought that though I was "terrible" I could still make it on my own. I think I thought that way because I was being approved of and being handed more responsiblity every time I looked spiritual enough. The people in the ministry who couldn't hide thier sin as well as I did, they got left behind a lot of the time and we're kind of looked down on as irresponsible, or weaker in faith. I on the other hand was handed leadership roles. I'm thankful for that, don't get me wrong. I think God used me in those roles to bring about change in the way some people thought and to make a difference with the people I was around. The roles I held in college definitly changed me. But looking back, I deserved those roles no more than the people who were't given any opportunity. Well anyway, back to my point now Im away from that and Im seeing a ton of sin and though I need it it just plain sucks. The good thing is that now without people looking at me evaluating me for the next summer opportunity, I can deal with real issuses for the sake of dealing with them, instead of for the sake of my own reputation. Its tough but I need it.

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