Well this past thursday was a doosey. The girl that I'd been trying to hang out with, like trying to find out if dating would be an option, she told me that it wasn't. Guess that takes the guss work out of it. It just stinks cause it took me so long to actually ask her out. Then for a long time I was real apprehensive about her, didn't want to open up because I knew that she and I are a lot different, and I did't really want to be too open and get hurt or have her open too wide and me hurt her either. Then things kept happening, stuff that would normally piss me off. Things like me going to visit her and her telling me when I got there that she had to finish a paper and couldn't really hang out long, or her telling me she would go places with me then having to cancel because of other stuff she fogot that she had to do. Well I just didn't get mad at those things, I was disappointed that things kept not working out. She didn't really make me mad, though I probably should have been. Some of my friends tell me should be mad now, but I still don't really think I am. I still don't know what that means. I heard some people talking about the nature of love and how one who is in love really isn't focused on their own feelings near as much as they are focused on the well being of the other person. I think I felt that way about her, Im not going to say it was love or that it is love, I just know that it was diffenrent that other girls I'd dated in the past. I didn't really care if I got my feelings hurt, I just wanted to create some kind of an environment for her where she knew that she was valued and where she could be herself without having to perform. And bottom line, I got pissed on a couple of times, and I didn't care because I cared more about her well being than my feelings. I guess that kinda sounds weak but I think its the right way to think about things. I knew that she wasn't meaning to do dumb stuff and hurt my feelings, at least I don't think she was, she said it wasn't her intention. I believed it wasn't before she said it so I guess I still believe it after our conversation. Basically she said that she felt bad because she couldn't give anything back to any kind of a relationship. I tend to think people do what they want to do and if she wanted to go out with me or spend time with me she would. But I didn't tell her that. Truth is Im still not mad at her. I like that she was as honest as she could be with me and she did the hard thing in talking about it. The part that sucks is that it kind of makes her more attractive. Like I said, I don't know if I love her or not or really for that matter how much I like her. Im forced now to deal with the question of wether I really like her, or I just like the idea of having someone. Im afraid it could be the latter. I hope not, mainly because I don't want to look like a jerk. Anyway it was a crappy conversation and since then Ive continually felt like Im being kicked in the gut. I just don't get it. Im actually really tired of the entire situation with girls and I wish I just didn't care at all, but I cant not care and that sucks too.
Sometime after that conversation I got a call from a good friend. He told me that his dad unexpectedly died. That kind of put stuff in perspective. Here I am toiling over a relationship that never got the chance to get off the ground and now looks like it never will and one of my best friends Dad dies. It made me think that every minute of everyday men's souls are hanging in the balance and Im so friggin stuck on myself that I never think about it. Im too busy playing Halo, worring about girls, or making stupid cadillac commercials to care. The whole situation made me think more about moving overseas, or going to seminary. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be happy untill I just man up and do one of those. I just keep thinking that if I don't at least give it a go the question will always haunt me. I tend to be haunted by questions with answers I'll never be able to get....and that sucks too.
No comments:
Post a Comment