Pensive Doubting, Fearful...me.

I've been going through a kind of strange time here lately. Don't quite understand it yet, but then again I rarely, if ever, do. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how Christians, myself in particular, seem to come about this idea of the Christian life being a well hearted, faith empowered, attempt to have our lives look like Jesus'. I think that statement could almost be a mission statement for the typical believer (and in that I have to include myself, because for so much of my life as a believer I have held that mindset). To lead a life that looks like Jesus' and to hold Him up as the premire example, or model for us to live by. WWJD? What would Jesus do? It's kind of played out by now, though I occasionally see a bracelet or two, but that underlying mindest still seems to rule the church these days. But... that doesn't mean its right.
Recently Ive just felt like crap when I start to think about my "performance" as a person, believer, you name it. I just stink at life. I fail daily and I never measure up. I end up hurting people because Im a jerk and I'm selfish. I fall short of every command that Christ ever laid out, and I see that Im utterly broken. At times Ive doubted that Im even a true believer because sometimes I dont feel like Im living in light of what I believe. I think, "Ive been a Christian for 10 years and I still suck." Im still struggling with the same stupid sins that I did the day I first believed. I just keep thinking that I should be better by now, and I think the mindest of WWJD fuels this kind of thinking. I like what Derek Webb said in a recent concert that I went to concerning the first time that he hear WWJD, "What would Jesus do?, what do you mean what would Jesus do?...He would walk on water, he would turn water into wine, he would feed 5000 with a few pieces of bread and some fish. He would die on a cross as atonement for the sins of God's people for all time. What do you mean what would Jesus do?"
See what he was getting at was this. Yes Jesus is an example of one who followed God perfectly, but if all we as a fallen people needed was an example then Christ died in vain. He died because we need a savior. Christians are far too concerned with looking like Jesus did and not nearly concerned enough with looking like a people that need Jesus. I feel like thats kind of where I am. I know I cant look like Jesus, Ive kind of known it all along but Ive seen it more and more after college. No more borrowed convictions from campus ministries, no more saftey nets of accountabiltiy groups so you can survive off of a corporate prayer life. Im starting to see where I really am. And its caused much doubt in me. Its caused me to take a second look. And now coming through the back end of a stage of doubt, Im seeing that its not my saviour that I doubt but a system of thought that leads to people looking to Christ as an example of morality or whatever, and refusing Him as Saviour and Lord. Im not perfect, not by a long shot. And I still feel that Im too comfortable with sin that seems to reside in my heart, and I wonder how long God will bear with me, or if He will get tired of my stumbling, I get tired of it. I know God will not nor cannot stop persuing me...after all what kind of a good Calvinist could I be if I didn't believe in Perseverence, but how I still doubt.
But there is a great hope, and its Christ.

This Hymn has reall encouraged me over the past week.

Pensive, doubting, fearful heart,
Hear what Christ the Saviour says;
Every word should joy impart,
Change thy mourning into praise:
Yes, he speaks, and speaks to thee,
May he help thee to believe!
Then thou presently wilt see,
Thou hast little cause to grieve.

Fear thou not, nor be ashamed,
All thy sorrows soon shall end
I who heav'n and earth have framed,
Am thy husband and thy friend
I the High and Holy One,
Israel's God by all adored;
As thy Saviour will be known,
Thy Redeemer and thy Lord.

For a moment I withdrew,
And thy heart was filled with pain;
But my mercies I'll renew,
Thou shalt soon rejoice again:
Though I scorn to hide my face,
Very soon my wrath shall cease;
'Tis but for a moment's space,
Ending in eternal peace.

When my peaceful bow appears
Painted on the wat'ry cloud;
'Tis to dissipate thy fears,
Lest the earth should be o'erflowed:
'Tis an emblem too of grace,
Of my cov'nant love a sign;
Though the mountains leave their place,
Thou shalt be for ever mine.

Though afflicted, tempest-tossed,
Comfortless awhile thou art,
Do not think thou canst be lost,
Thou art graven on my heart
All thy walls I will repair,
Thou shalt be rebuilt anew;
And in thee it shall appear,
What a God of love can do.
(written John Newton 1779)

friends...

So I've been to Good Karma Cafe twice in the last few days with Haley, to visit our friend Carolyn who is the newest barista there (I think if you tell go in and tell her you read about this on my blog, you might just get a discount... but don't hold me to it.)

Anyway... both times I've gone, friends I haven't seen in a while stopped me to say hello. Sunday on my first trip to share some biscuits and strawberry jam with Carolyn (both home made... Haley is developing her own jam recipes) my friend Matt stopped and said hello. Then tonight while dropping by before going to another friend's show... Steve Speir bikes by and yells "Jason Harmon!!" He recognized my hair.

Then at the show, just a few minutes before we were ready to leave another new friend came by and sat down to talk for a few minutes.

I love being known. It feels so nice to go places and have people stop to talk to you. It happened all the time in Birmingham, I'd been there a while and felt like I knew everyone so I was never surprised... but here it feels so serendipitous. I like it.

Last Birmingham Blog

I should be leaving within the next hour or so. I've been told by several friends that I'd better blog more often so I figured I'd best go on and start.

I honestly haven't had the down time I'd liked to have had to sit down and write and process all thats been going on in my head with this move but to try to sum it all up, I basically go back and fourth thinking this is the best thing I'll ever do, and this is the worst mistake I've ever made. And that cycle happens about every 90 seconds or so. Right now the "worst mistake" side is tending to win... but I believe the closer I get to my new home the "best thing" side will gain its lost ground.

Its been hard saying goodbye to people. The community group was tough for me. So many people who I respect so much and have grown close to over the past few years, so many people who've known me for so long that it scares me to think of how old I'll be when I'll know folks in Philadelphia that long. The SouthTown guys were great at our goodbye... I'll miss them more than they'll realize. No more J. Clyde... that just sucks.

I really love it here... I've never said any different. Sometimes I wonder if I've let a bad job situation run me out of my home. But I don't give a lot of credit to that thought. Sometimes you just have to take a shot at something different. I've said several times that if I never go whatever work I do in Birmingham I'll resent it, because I'm comparing it to some ideal that I've concocted in my head. Maybe that ideal is real somewhere, but if I never look I guess I'll never know. The ground is hard in Birmingham for the work that I've found myself in, and its broken my back. Maybe there's softer, more manageable ground north of here.

Leaving is harder than I expected; much harder. I'll miss my friends and family here. So for all the friends I had to say goodbye to and those that I didn't get the chance to, I love you guys and look forward to seeing you all again soon.

montly blog update...

I love Christmas. Always have, and even though my experience of it is changing because Im gettin old, I expect I'll always love it. I was at SouthTown last night setting up video equipment so the kids could watch a movie, eat popcorn, and drink hot chocolate. At least that was the plan. What actually happened was we set up the equipment the kids complained about the hot chocolate, asked for water instead, spilled all of the above on the floor, threw popcorn in the puddles, and fought with each other. Thats about what I expected so it really wasn't too big of a deal. There were a few kids though that watched the movie (the Santa Clause 2). There weren't any more chairs so Brandie and I sat in the floor... soon enough every single kid followed, all squeezing as close to her and me as they could. Then the kids started fighting and calling each other "you ol' nasty" and other various holiday names. The party in the floor soon came to an end, and that combined with the number of kids who had either become disinterested or sent home, left plenty of chairs for the rest of us good boys and girls. So we finished the movie. There was one scene that struck me... and I know that sounds ridiculous due to the fact that its Tim Allen as Santa Clause but still... there was some kind of party where all these grumpy adults were, and Santa (not looking like santa but still having special Christmas powers) was seeking to spread some Holiday cheer. Santa pulled out a sack of presents and started calling names. The adults were pretty hesitant but after a couple of them opened their gifts, which were vintage toys that they loved growing up, the crowd grew merry and the party turned into a big ol' love fest with all the adults playing "toss across" and "rock 'em sock 'em robots." The thing that hit me was this... its wasn't getting stuff that made the people happy, it was being known and understood. Maybe it was nostalgia, who knows? But I know when I get some dull old shirt or something like that for Christmas I don't feel warm and tingly. But when someone gives me something that captures a little piece of who I am... that gets me. The reason it gets me is because that gift is something tangible saying, "I know you well enough to know you'll understand." I think thats pretty swell.
Anywho there's my december update hope it'll tide you over to next year.

lots to come from Philly...

For a long time now I've only used this blog to post stupid videos, video's I'd been working on, or pretty much mindless strings of words that flowed out of boredom or frustration. Recently I've been thinking a lot, and I've had a lot of time to do it. I'm going to attempt, as several fellow bloggers and blog heroes / friends of mine have done before, to use a personal experience as a format to get out what's been brewing inside. In my case a recent trip to Philadelphia.

As anyone who has ever had more than a 3 minute conversation with me well knows, I have a hard time staying on topic. I'm in no way a linear guy; just don't think that way. I'm scattered. I start a sentence, only get out half the word, think of a better way to phrase the thought that my mind has already left in search of the follow up only to begin the sentence over three times before getting it out. And by the time it's finally out I'm busy chasing the rabbit that ran across some other synapses in my mind and I forget the original point that I was getting at. (the fact that I do this is not a recent discovery to me but rather a very well known and sometimes frustrating quirk) But usually somewhere along the rabbit trail, something I think of reminds me of my original thought and I'm back to square one....

All that to say... bear with me because I'm not going to tell this story in order... if indeed I tell it at all. I'm going to try and share, with all who care to read, my observations and the subsequent rabbit trails I find myself on during my time in Philadelphia (which was only a few days). I hope that makes some kind of sense... but true to form here's a better way of saying all that. I'm not going to give you the play by play of my time there because that wouldn't be any fun, but rather I hope to share what I experienced by being there. I'm so looking forward to writing about it all, and taking a little closer look at myself through it. I've avoided writing anything remotely personal on here for roughly a year now. I suppose a little self-disclosure is due.

a year later...

So I realized that it was one year ago this weekend that I left Birmingham. Years go by a lot quicker than they used to.

I thought about trying to explain in this post a little of what I was feeling or a little of what led to me leaving, but honestly so much has changed in the last year, that I just don't care to dwell on those things. It's not that those things don't matter, they do, and they're a big part of what has brought me to this point. They're just not worth enumerating in a blog post.

God has been really gracious toward me over the last year. I didn't think I would like it here. I honestly don't think I expected to find much of a life here, but God has given me more life in Philadelphia than I would have dared to hope for. I don't use the word much, but I really am awed by what He's led me to here and I think those things are definitely worth enumerating. God's given me a church that I'm growing to love, and a community of people that are open to doing the same. I was on a membership retreat for the church this weekend, and had so much fun beginning to forge what I hope will be meaningful relationships with such beautiful new friends. God's given me a job that's challenging. This past couple of weeks I've had to bust my tail to try to create and concept my own ideas for commercials and promos... and my ideas and concepts have been bad. I've felt like I'm terrible at my job... but I don't feel defeated. I'm a little down for sure... but for the first time I sort of understand what all the athlete guys I hung around in college talked about when they said they needed their coach to "rub their noses in the dirt and tell them how much of a sissy they were." It's making me better. It's making me not settle for my first idea, or not to settle for an easy development of that idea. I'm learning. God's given me new friends, and hopefully if all goes well a new place to live that's so close to all of them, in a neighborhood that I've loved from my first trip there. And I'm not sure if this is what tops it all off or if it's the ingredient that's mixed in throughout and makes all those things so sweet, but either way I'm so grateful that God has given me an amazing relationship with Haley...who really is the coolest person I've ever known.

God has been unbelievably gracious toward me, and I've seen that most clearly this past year. I've taken to not writing much personal stuff on here... but I'd be amiss not to, at least this once, in light of unbelievable year God's given me.

broken iPhone...

So... my iPhone broke. It actually kinda got soaked by the most rain I've ever seen in my life... while it was in my pocket... as Haley and I were also being soaked by said rain. I'm no meteorologist, but I would say at least 8 to 12 inches of rain fell in the amount of time it took us to walk the last 5 to 6 blocks to my apartment. We looked like we'd been swimming in our clothes. Ridiculous. Anyway... the phone would turn on, but there was about a third of the touchscreen that no longer worked. I got up this morning and decided I'd drive to King of Prussia (yes that is an actual place) to the Apple store and see what, if anything I could do. I get there, make my maintenance appointment, then get to walk around for about two and a half hours waiting on my Genius to become available. In that time I got attacked by a toy helicopter, had my hands exfoliated with salt from the dead sea, found a bathroom to wash dead sea from my hands, and determined that Vampires are definitely in this season.

After all that was done I met Wallie*, my Genius.
"Whats the problem with your phone?"
"The touchscreen isn't working in these areas."
"Oh that has to do with the thermal layers. Let me run the info and if its under warranty we'll get you a new one and you'll be on your way."
"Oh great."
I knew it wasn't under warranty, but I'd let him run it just in case. Then something amazing happens. Wallie goes to the back and gets a small white box... from a gigantic lego-castle-ish stack of small white boxes and pulls from it a shiny new non 3G iPhone. After typing in some stuff on his computer he comes over and says,
"Its not under warranty, but I ran the serial and your phone is known to be prone to this type of issue. We're going to replace the phone at no cost to you."
"Oh great." and in my head I think... "my phone is prone to getting soaked by an afternoon torrential downpour. cool."

Hooray Apple! Hooray Wallie! And hooray for not asking any questions about when I first started noticing this problem!

Check out other pics from this guy.

*not his real name... I remember his real name, but though it might be better to not use it.

Further lessons from Atlanta

Well, admitedly I was kinda pissed when I wrote that last post. If one must know I spent quite some time trying to navigate the streets of ATL in attempts to reach the mecca of design and fashion known simply as IKEA. 15 acres of cheap stuff you can buy to make you cooler than all your less trendy friends who have still not heard of this wonderous place. Almost needless to say, but I'll say it anyway, I never arrived at the blue and yellow gates. I could see it but couldn't get to it becuase it was just recently built and North West Atlanta's vascular system of interstates, highways, and lesser traveled capillary roads, have yet find an adequate way of delivering blood to its newest and most popular organ.
I was angry because I could see it but not find my way to it, so I just went back to the hotel after stopping by Arby's to get a roast beef combo. As much as I hate to admit it, I really wanted to be an IKEA shopper. I was most disappointed to not have the chance pick up new rugs, bedding, and other small trinkets that "would best define me as a person" (*Fight Club)

So I couldn't be cool. I was kinda upset because I don't like seeing that consumer mindset at work in myself, but I did. And I'd worked with agency people all day. I don't like agency people. They have no clue what they are doing and really are just wasting time and money. These guys however were also gay, some of them at least. Im growing to hate the way I act around agency people. I don't treat them with any kind of love. Im really easily irritated by them actually. I fear that these guys just perceived that as homophobia. Thats not the case, I just don't like most of my clients, gay or straight. I'll need to make a better effort to treat them with love, and dignity.

Anyway, all of the above contributed to my anger toward Atlanta. I think some of what I said is true but there are good people there too, and I got to hang out with at least some of them later in my short stay in Peach Tree central.

Holding down the fort.

Well this morning a bunch of my friends left for Thailand. Saturday a bunch more will be leaving for beach project. This will be the first summer in four years that I wasn't either at beach project or overseas. I can help but wish I were going somewhere. I mostly just want to go back to Brazil or have one more summer at beach project. I think Ive changed a lot even just since last summer and I think Id enjoy the environment a lot more this year. Last year I think I went down there with something to prove and it kind of ruined a good part of my summer. I guess though I'll always look back over years past and say to myself, "I wish I knew then what I know now." I think most people do that. Guess I should just realize that Im always going to be changing and from tomorrows perspective I will have never known enough for today, but in the here and now I know that Im doing just fine. All in all I still wish I were on an air plane or on the road to the beach rather than sitting at work playing online games....but hey, if Im going to work, online games aren't all that bad.

Culture of heaven

Friday night I went to this called Art on the Rocks. I was all pumped about going a while back. That was also when I thought that I had a date to go with, and perhaps it would have been more enjoyable with a cute, cool girl, but I kind of doubt it. Too many people with their heads up their asses to be fun. Anyway aside from a lot of people that I could have done without being around there was a great singer songwriter playing. Griffin House; I saw him a while back at another show in birmingham and he is really the only reason that I went to this thing anyway. It was worth going to to hear him again, but unfortunatly I think my two friends Allen, David, and I were the only people there actually listening to him. Anyway long story short it was an altogether unenjoyable experience barring the great music and two good friends that went with me in lue of my being shat upon and not having a date.
Saturday I went to a wedding. Some friends of mine were playing the music. These guys are incredible one plays piano like no ones business, the other is a great guitar player and has a voice that I would kill to have. The other guy I don't know well at all but he plays upright bass and was taught by Edgar Myer. Needless to say it sounded great. They played a Myer piece called sliding down that almost made me cry. I sat there and thought, "man these guys are so much better than anything I heard last night...and its free and not so many snobby people." I also couldn't help but think what heaven will be like. I believe that it's going to be very much like the world we live in today in that people will have stuff to do, jobs and whatnot. Talents and skills and all that too. I think that we'll live in cities and get from place to place. And the great part will be that there's no sin and everything will be done in perfect harmony with God. No broken relationship with Him perfect communion forever. I sat there in that church where I saw as clearly as ever a picture of Christ and the church in the wedding cerimony and listened to three guys my own age play some of the sweetest music I'd ever heard and all I could think of is what the culture of heaven will be like. Like I said I believe that time will look much like it does now, people doing stuff and all that jobs and whatnot, but I also tend to think that there will be art to be made, and music to be played, and that there will be cultural events theatre and the like in heaven. There's going to be culture and what a culture it will be. People from all tribes toungues and nations all enjoying the gifts that eachother have, all with no envy, no hate, no competition, and all in perfect communion with God. The culture of heaven. My heart aches to be there. Sadly its only when I stop to think of it that I feel this way. Ordinarily I just pasify myself with video games, the internet, playing guitar, or wishing my life were different. Its such a waste honestly. Eternal life starts with Christ and for me as a believer thats already started.
I suppose its my job as a believer to begin to bring that heavenly culture to rest here on earth. Isn't that how Jesus taught his disciples to pray, ""Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven" Heaven is set as the model. That model or that ideal is to be brought to earth. Thats what scripture teaches, Im just slow to learn. All this time Ive been wondering what the culture of heave will be like and the answer was right there sitting in that church listening to those guys play. They played well, they played with no competition amongst eachother. They played not for themselves to be seen, but for the people to enjoy and though they might not have known it they played that Christ might be seen, heard, felt, and experienced in the music they made. That's the culture of heaven...at least some of it. And my heart aches for it.

More theories on Biblical love

Guess its been on my mind a lot recently. Its been on my mind for the last year or so but I guess its just even more now because of situations from last week and the fact that all my friends have moved out of Montevallo for the summer and I have a lot of time to sit and stare at the walls and think. I was writing last time about not really knowing what to think about how I felt about, liked or whatever you call it, a girl that I'd been trying to go out with. I think through that situation God showed me more about the nature of love, regaurdless if I was experiencing it or not. I tend to think it was closer to love than I had been before because I found myself not focused on myself, but on her well being. In my last post I wrote about how I feel like I got pissed on a few times but just took it without really knowing until much later that there was piss on me. I wonder if real love just isn't aware of the piss or is fully aware of it and simply endures it because it's not in the other person's interest for you to tell them that they are pissing on you. Maybe its a combination. I still feel like it boils down to putting the other persons interest in front of your own. When stuff happened with Brandie I understood that I was getting my feelings hurt, but I choose to not worry about that because I would rather try to create the type of environment that I talked about earlier. The kind where she didn't feel the need to live up to unrealistic expectations or to perform.
In Ephsians, I'm pretty sure its there, Paul tells husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. I think that is the essece of what Christ does for the church. He took a lot, more than I could ever imagine, and Im not going to try to expound because I would at best be approaching irreverence of the subject of Christ's life and death and probably end up using language in comparing that would make His death appear less that the truth of what it was. But back to the point Christ's died to set His church free. Im reading a book by Steve Brown and he talks a lot about how when someone is free, that is exactly what they are FREE. They can do whatever the hell they want. Free. Its almost tough to swallow. Christ died, He loved His chuch so very much that He would become man, dwell with an "unbelieving generation", be mocked, falsely accused...the whole story. And for what? To create an environment where His Beloved no longer needs to perform, live up to expectation, bear a judgement for their wrong, or feel guilty for thier life. That's how Christ loved the church, He cared not for His own well being but rather for the assurance of creating an environment for His bride to know that she is loved.
I think Derek Webb has helped me see this too. Ive been listening to his new cd a lot. "What looks like failure is success, what looks like poverty is riches....what looks like weakness can do anything, what looks like foolishness is understanding." Things really are kind of upside down for the believer. Even love I guess. True love probably looks like a bad relationship at first....at least from one side or the other. But I think that where true love is then there will be a freedom, and where there is freedom I think that love will be returned. In that Steve Brown book there is an illustration about Abraham Lincoln and this slave girl that he bought. She was dejected because she thought to herself, "Here is another white man that will use me then discard me." But Abe told her that she was free. She asked, "Free to say whatever," he said, "Yes," She said "Free to go where ever?" He siad, "That's right" She started crying and said, "I think I'll go with you." The neat thing about that is that the one who is set free really has no concept of what freedom is, its the liberator who understands freedom and desires to give it to the slave because they understand how good it is. Thinking about that and my own relationship with Christ, I really have no clue what freedom is or how to experience it, but He does and He deeply desires to make it known to me. Thats why I want to go with Him. He wants to show me how to experience the goodness of living a free life and I guess part of that is teaching me how to love people.
I realize that in writing all this and knowing that its mostly coming because of experiences with a girl that it would be easy to think that Im all broken hearted and lovesick. That may be partly true, but only a very small part. I have no clue if Ive ever loved a girl, or for that matter if I presenly like any or if I care to at this point in my life. I do however see that regaurdless of dating relationships I am called to love everyone like Ive talked about. I of course know that if I ever do date anyone again and that leads to marriage that that will be deeper than a love for my co-workers and I think thats great, but it doesn't lessen the fact that love is what the believer is called to. I think slowly but surely God is showing me what love is, and hopefully Im seeing what love is not also. Its kind of a long road and Ive felt really lonely lately, but thats just me being stupid and pissing on the one who loves me enough to walk with me and talk to me about all this stuff and teach me how to enjoy what He has created for me.